The last PT session... (Week 36)

Oh what a bittersweet day it is. I've been seeing my PT since November. His office is one where you feel comfortable, relaxed, and safe. Safe is very important for me.

We've shared laughs, smiles, good news and bad. He has encouraged me to grow in strength, and in the process to learn how strong I really am.

He's taught me how to care for myself, how to listen to my body, how to strengthen my body. And I'm already missing him and the people that work with him. They became like good friends, like a family.

And really... those are all the words I have right now.

To think, that all these steps I've been taking, have lead me here, to this place... a place I wasn't sure I'd even be again.

But that is not the end of my story, only the end of a chapter, and the beginning of a new one. I've still got a few more steps to take, after all...

Epiphany (Week 35)

I spent Saturday sitting on the couch watching movies. I had popcorn with hot cocoa for lunch, and I luxuriated in its buttery goodness. Later on, I got out my crocheting, enjoying the delicious texture of the yarn, seconded only by the delightful rainbow colors. I gave myself permission to skip my PT exercises (Shh! Don't tell my therapist!), and to just rest. Oh - it was bliss I tell you. Sheer and utter bliss!

And why is this such an important thing?

Because only a few months ago this was impossible without total and utter pain. I was lucky to be able to sit for 15 minutes, let alone spend all day on the couch.

This whole journey has been filled with lessons, and this morning was no exception. One of the biggest lessons has been that if I don't take care of me (getting enough rest, doing my exercises, eating the foods that nurture me, honoring my need to hibernate and to be social), my back will swiftly remind me that I've been lax. It will hurt and ache, and that's just not a good thing.

I used to be envious of those moms who were Super Women. The ones who can juggle 14 balls in the air while balancing on a ball on one leg. There were times moms like this made me feel inferior, because I just didn't have the energy to push on as they did. I used to feel weak, not good enough, that I "should" be doing more to dive in and help others while getting my kids to a ton of activities and not saying no.

And then I hurt my back, and I realized something. That's not who I am.

I grew up with a mom who is filled with energy, who can do 20 things at once, who can edge a bed and wield a shovel at the age of 70 better than I ever could. She was amazing, and constantly on the go. And I am surrounded by amazing women like this today. And although I admire them, I have realized, even before I injured my back - it's not me.

In July, I resigned from my job of 10 years. There were many reasons for this, but the biggest one was because I wanted to be more present for my children. I wanted to fully be with them, and not thinking or worrying about what I had to do for my job. As a bonus, it's enabled me to bump up the volunteer hours with their homeschooling programs.

But as I've taken on more, I was reminded that I only have so much time to give, and that now, my time is even more precious as my children are young, and growing fast, and frankly, I want to immerse myself in their hugs (while they still want to hug me). I want to savor the games we play together and reading to them. I want to teach them how to honor themselves, and how to trust that what is best for them, might not be best for others.

I am reminded that while some people can go and choose to go full speed, that may not be what is best for me. As my body changes with the physical therapy exercises, I may not look like a fitness instructor, but I'm different than I was last June. I can see the changes here and there, though others can't. I can feel the strength returning and my balance improving. I understand that when I don't get enough sleep, caffeinating myself isn't enough, there's a good chance that I will be in pain as a result, and I need to honor that.

By honoring myself, I can only compare me to me. This last year, I've become more aware of my limits. I really value my time and how I spend it, which I almost forgot, but was reminded of this weekend. And thus, I might need to say no to a few more things, continue to cut back on the computer time, and limit the activities. And that's okay.

What a week (Week 34)

It's been a week full of friends, news of a friend's passing, working through the processing of grieving, the usual routines, physical therapy, and the start of a new Writing Club, of which I am the mentor. After the club, we rushed over to our friend's viewing, and next Saturday, we will go to the memorial.

So it was a full week, of which I am thankful for the support and love that helped us to get through.

Ah yes, you noticed I mentioned physical therapy. Well, I only went once. And it looks like I will have one more visit before I "graduate".

In the last week, I've been able to do exercises that make the therapists cringe, and I admit it, I'm proud that I'm strong. I'm proud that I can do things my fit and healthy PTs can't. It's been a long road... an incredible journey... and, as my daughter tells me, "The story doesn't end here, Mommy. You just start a new one."

Snow, Sitting, and Snuggles (Week 33)

I promised myself today, that I must always live in a place where there is the possibility of being snowed in when it's winter. I love being able to snuggle up with a good book, a hot cuppa nearby, under a warm cozy blanket. I love staying inside and playing games with the kiddos (on the floor), and oh, have we been playing games! So very many (some at 3 a.m.)

I couldn't do these things a month ago without being in a lot of pain afterwards. And let me tell you, for a woman who adores reading... not being able to curl up with a book, is not a good thing. One of my favorite things about winter, is watching and playing in the snow. And this winter, I'd given all hope of sledding down the back hill with my little loves.

However, last Saturday it was cool and snowy, and me and my eldest were planning to go out there and build a snowman in the quiet of the snow. You know, where you hear the flakes falling on your coat, the ground, the deck? I was out there, taking it all in before she arrived... and I couldn't help myself.

Like a kid who's been told to "Stay right there" I found myself picking up the sled, and making my way to the top of the hill. It was a bit slippery, but I didn't fall. I put down the sled, my adrenaline pumping for I SO love sledding in the winter, sat upon it, aimed, and let go.

It was brilliant.

It was wonderful.

So when my eldest came out to join me, I couldn't say no to at least one ride down the hill with her...

Bliss. Total and utter bliss. I held her tight, we let go, almost hit the house, but ended up laughing and dodging it at the last minute.

No pain either time.

In fact, I felt invigorated. When I went to PT this week... only 1 visit, I amazed the therapist by being able to show them a few yoga moves that they weren't sure of, to watch the therapist (I had a different one, as the usual was on vacation) who'd seen me once early on, be amazed as he challenged me to a side plank, and I bust out into the advanced version without a sweat.

I'm not back to where I was before this, and mind you, I'm still taking it easy and SLOWLY. But I'm gradually becoming so aware of my progress, and able to do things I never thought I'd be able to do again.

So, I'm taking it slow. I'm making the most out of the sunny days (I get out and walk if it's not too cold), and I'm thoroughly enjoying the snowy days, even though I can't sit as long as I thought and have to make sure I move throughout the day. (Which, has proven to be a very healthy thing, mind you...)

And occasionally, you'll catch me curled up on the couch with a good book, or even a good movie... Yeah, progress and loving it.

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