On My Own ( Week 7)

Yesterday was the first full day since June 13th that I was on my own without someone here to help. I have been feeling good enough to tackle more things. On Friday, my friend helped me to organize and go through my kiddos clothes. I wanted to get it done so that my hubby, who wanted to do it, didn't have to do it. He's been doing enough as of late, and run into the ground because of it. I was also able to clean off the sinks in the bathroom.

Silly little things, I know. And many of you might laugh at me when I tell you how excited I am when I get the all clear to do laundry, or drive again. But for now, I still need to be patient. As my chiropractor said, "You can balance on that tight rope, and try standing on one foot as long as you are comfortable. Just don't fall off or it's back to square one."

I am grateful for the pain that reminds me to be careful. Yesterday, after being tweaked and twisted, and able to bend pretty far back (Whoo hoo!!!), we discussed where I was in treatment. He explained that outside of the disc (annulus) has layers to it, like an onion, that keeps the inner nucleus pulposus inside. Mine has ruptured, to the point where a particle has leaked out. Will the particle be reabsorbed? We don't know. It might, or it might be a floater in my spinal column.

"As the disc continues to degenerate, or with continued stress on the spine, the inner nucleus pulposus may actually rupture out from the annulus. This is considered a ruptured, or herniated, disc. The fragments of disc material can then press on the nerve roots that are located just behind the disc space. This can cause pain, weakness, numbness, or changes in sensation."


So, where do I stand, and what does this mean? It means that once his adjustments help the nucleus material to settle in, and the layers of the annulus (think onion) heal closed, I should be able to sneeze and cough without fear of going back to square 1. Until then, I admit that I'm a little nervous and treating myself as though I'm fragile. I'm also doing a ton of visualization involving those layers healing with no to minimum scar tissue.

Since getting another MRI is out of the question, unless I have another injury (no thank you) or a ton of money, we have to go by how I feel, and what he can tell based from various tests. The difference between me and crippling, incapacitating pain could be less then a milometer. How's that for a reality check?

Yesterday, he was able to try a few more tests since I was finally able to lay straight on my back without severe pain. He discovered that it's still bulging a bit (but hopefully all the material has been reabsorbed - fingers crossed). I am able to move more, to walk and stand up straight, but a fast move, or a twist in the wrong direction, will provide me with a swift and painful reminder to slow down, and be careful. It's still there.

So what am I cleared to do? He told me to walk as much as I can - but not on concrete nor uneven surfaces. Black top is best, and I'm to be very careful on inclines. I started off barely walking 250 steps a day (according to my pedometer). About two weeks ago, I averaged between 500-800. This past week, I've average 1500. (Yesterday I took over 2500.)

I need to keep active, and work those muscles to prevent chronic pain. I asked how long before I could lift weights: 3-4 months. *Sigh* I was not happy to hear that. At the same time, another reality check to take it easy. One step at a time, as opposed to the way I usually jump in. I suppose it's a good thing that I keep getting this reminder throughout this journey, eh?

I want to continue to improve, to get better. And if that means I can walk, I'm going to do my best to continue to improve, or average where I am. This also means, it's time to be serious about what I eat (oh how that is a challenge in that food has been a comfort for me on many levels). Nothing like an injury to force you into a lifestyle change you couldn't do on your own before hand.

Bend over backwards? Not yet.

I was a little concerned today. The last few days I've been in a bit more pain than usual. I've been feeling tender, and needing to take the occasional ibuprofen. So, I was a bit worried that I might've done a two steps forward, one step back deal.

I walked into the appointment upright. I didn't need to park in the handicap space, although I did make hubby park in the closest spot. I realized that I'm not as tired. I'm standing longer, and during the day, I caught myself subconsciously crossing my legs. I noticed that I got on the table without a problem.

After the ever more aggressive traction/flexion (I forget the proper name for it), I got off the table, felt a twinge, breathed through it and stood. I used to have to sit down as quickly as possible. And then, I turned, and bent backwards, slowly. There was no twinge. I turned to the right and to the left, and... no twinge.

I proceeded to stand and chat. I told him how I was longing to exercise, do pushups, jump lunges, burpees... and he said that if I keep down this road, I'll build my strength back, and eventually be able to do those things again. Then he hooked me up to the Estim, and I walked to the waiting room, and onto the car - without having to sit and rest.

I'm still under major restrictions. But I've been told to get up and walk around (not around the block), but not to sit all day. To get up and move.

I'm smiling as I type this, because today, was awesome.

Life Changes

When a major injury occurs, especially a back injury, there is a chance it might be life changing. If the person can't move, their entire life is affected on many levels. Some people heal quickly, and go back to where they were before. Others can be profoundly affected, on a physical and spiritual level. Our family has faced many changes, some of which will carry over into "life after the injury".

Before my injury, my husband opted to shave his head. Mind you, over the last 11 years, he has chosen to grow his hair, and then donate it to Locks of Love. Over the last year, he was able to cut 10 more inches to donate. It was his last donation.

He declared that this was this start of his transformation, and a familial one. I don't think that he expected our lives to transform so much over the last month and a half. For one thing, since I can't do anything, he's been carrying the load. We've also been blessed to have people offer help in terms of meals, taking shifts at the house, and more. We discovered that we have an amazing support group here.

 My children have become more independent. My youngest, Da Squeak, suddenly decided it was time to use the potty. She went from being afraid of baths, to wanting one all the time now. She wants to do more things on her own. My eldest is learning to help carry the load, literally because if we go some place, she needs to help carry things. She's also learning to take initiative with her schooling, and makes some of her own meals.

As for me, my whole life has been shaken up. My exercise routine, when I'm able to reestablish one, will start over and be limited. I've resigned from my job. I've discovered my life's passion. I am more aware than ever how important slowing down, being aware, and taking my time is, and I hope that I carry this caution with me after I heal.

Aside from the gifts I've discovered, our family has been through an amazing transformation on many levels. Perhaps this can be considered more gifts. Either way, it's enhanced our journey and strengthened us as a family.

Riding the Roller Coaster

I've been warned that there will be days that I'm feeling really good, and days where I'm not feeling so excellent. This weekend was a prime example.

Today, I was finally able to hang with friends and stand in the hub-bub of conversation. It was wonderful. I stood until I needed to sit. I talked and laughed and hugged. I was blessed with love and laughter. I got up, walked around, was made to sit down...

It was just wonderful.

I have missed this a lot.

I'm not sure how I will feel tomorrow. I think I'm going to pop some ibuprofen just in case there is inflammation from today's activities.

I need to be more careful... (Week 6)

Today and yesterday were all too close reminders of just how careful I need to be. One wrong move, or over doing it, can set me back pain wise, or worse. And it gets harder the better I feel because I long to do more...

However, today, not only was I able to stand up straight, but bend back a bit.

Taking the path less traveled...

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

 - Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken

Oh, what a whirlwind of emotions this weekend! On Friday, after much thought, I decided to resign from my job of the last 10 and a half years. (Mind you, I was a contractor, so if I can't work, which I haven't been while healing, I don't get paid.)

I do not have a back up plan; it was a complete leap of faith. 
 
Logically, one would think that I should have stayed on to help cover treatment, saved up money, done more preparation, etc. However, I knew that it was time to let go. Call it a "gut" feeling if you will. All I knew, is that it was an overwhelming urge to let go and move on. So, I took a deep breathe and did it.

I was nervous about hurting the feelings of my bosses, as they are friends. I'm a nervous about finances, and how this will all work out. I'm definitely going to need to revamp the budget and spend carefully. And yet, despite that, there is a part of me that knows I've made the right choice.

I'm already used to not knowing how things will end up, and taking things step-by-step as I work through the healing (today's a toughie). So in a way it's fitting that this is part of my path at the moment, don't you think? Thus, now that I'm on the path, I suppose it's time to enjoy it.

Today's Muscial Inspiration

(I love how this song can apply to multiple situations... )

"I’m fine (and nothing’s gonna knock this girl down)
I’m hella positive for real
I’m all good, no
I’m fine (and nothing’s gonna knock this girl down)
It’s kind of complicated thats for sure

But you can see it in my eyes
You can read it on my lips
I’m trying to get a hold on this
And I really mean it this time
And you know it’s such a trip
Don’t get me started
I’m trying to get a hold on this" 

- No Doubt, Settle Down

Letting Go

One of the challenges during this time, has been having to let go of a few things. July was the month of activity for us, rather it was supposed to be. Filled with swimming lessons, summer camps, festivals and more.

Instead, we had to make decisions and get real about what was really possible. Swimming lessons were off, because hubby is dealing with a new project at work, and by the time he gets home, he is exhausted. I am limited in movement, couldn't take the heat, but more importantly can not drive nor walk far (which nulled any festivals we wanted to attend). So, we opted to forgo them this year. We felt relieved when we made the decision; however, it's still hard when we hear who went and how great they were. Hopefully, next year we'll be able to make them. We shall see.

I was hoping that my youngest would be able to do her summer camp. It was supposed to be a time of transition for her, over an hour a day for 5 days of a program where she would go without mommy to prep her for the fall, as it was during the day, and I can't drive. We had to cancel that because it is just not possible to work out.

As a mom, I'm carrying a sense of guilt here for not doing more and calling it quits. It can be argued that perhaps I could've worked harder to make it work, or even called in the troops. (Mind you, I've been calling in troops over the last month, thus it's feeling like a burden now.) However, in many ways, it's been a relief to just say no. Not to mention the money we will be saving (that I can apply to chiropractic appointments).

Last night, in a discussion with my eldest, she admitted to me that she enjoys slow, laid back summers over busy, hectic, jam-packed summers. Even though I'm injured, she told me that it's been nice to stay home and have PJ days like we used to. She enjoys her friends, but she values the slowness. Perhaps that too is a lesson...

Smiling...

Today, after my chiropractic appointment, I was almost standing straight - without severe pain. I smiled, he smiled, and I was able to walk to the car with my head held high.

Mind you, I'm not out of the woods yet. It's as though I am walking on a tightrope. I can continue to improve, or regress. Tomorrow, I'll likely feel the work and manipulation he did today.

So I must be careful, and tread carefully, moving slowly. I still have major restrictions (no lifting, no driving, no sudden movements, no sneezing or coughing).  I still am limited in movement. I still feel pain if I twist the wrong way or reach too high, or don't sit right. I use meditation and breathing exercises to manage it now.

So today, I am smiling. There is definitely progress. And that, is very good news indeed.

Things I miss being able to do...

* Exercise
* Walking for long periods
* Sleeping on my side
* Being able to move in any direction that I want
* Feeling normal, healthy and strong
* Being able to sit on the floor and play with my kids
* Having more energy
* Walking standing completely upright
* Hug people normally

Meditation

What do you do when you physically can't exercise a lot, you've been munching on chocolate (and your hubby keeps getting it) because it helps your mood, and you eat whenever you need comfort? I asked myself that yesterday as I've been feeling the weight gain as a result.

Whenever I notice or think about it, I find myself tumbling into a dark cloud of hopelessness. Everything I had worked so hard for in muscle tone and strength over the last few years appears to be fading. It's disheartening, especially now, because I can't do those exercises, and when I can exercise again, I have to start from square one.

It's been one of the struggles I've been dealing with, aside from the fact that I don't remember what it feels like to stand up straight and feel strong.

The last few days, I've started meditation. I focus on breathing, and I visualize myself as healthy. I figure that it will at least calm me down, and help me to feel peaceful and centered (hopefully). And since I can't exercise my body, perhaps I can imagine exercising in my mind, and see where it leads. Who knows, maybe it will let me make peace with my body too?

This sums up my life right now

This morning's food for thought...

* Both pictures from: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Unconditional-Love/262842176246

Dealing with Sciatic Pain

I've been trying to think of how to describe the pain that I've been in. Sciatic pain starts in the hip, and as the nerve gets inflamed, it shoots down the leg, sometimes leaving a side of your foot numb. In my case, mine started with feeling like I had a sore groin, into a sore hip. The next day it was shooting down my outer thigh, into my outer calf down to my big toe and the two beside it. The toes eventually started to feel funky, as though they were asleep. They still feel funky, and I've been told that is the last thing to regain sensation.

I've been thinking of how to describe the pain. It shoots down the leg, but at its worst, it felt as though someone or thing was scraping the nerve all the way down. It made me nauseous and caused my muscles to twitch at times. It was so intense that my eyes would tear up. Words like radiating are used in its description. Finding a position that felt good was really hard. Walking hurt. I couldn't stand up straight (so I hobbled like an old woman).

Sitting was more comfortable for me than laying down, which was confusing because most people with a herniated disc have to lay down, as sitting is excruciating.  Apparently I'm an anomaly. Not really what I want to be hearing, though I have to admit I'm not surprised. (I've been told that before.)

Even though a particle of the disc is pushing on my nerve, the pain is mostly felt in the leg. When I got my MRI, the disc was bulging to the left, yet my symptoms were on the right. It was also clear that the disc was damaged (no filler in it). I had nerve symptoms, but at first glance, it was hard to see anything pushing against the nerve. The radiologist noted that there was a small particle (barely noticeable) pushing against the nerve. It's this little, barely visible, bugger that's been the cause of all this. (And I'm really, really hoping that my body will reabsorb the little bugger. Because if it doesn't, then my path will shift again.)

There are many ways one can deal with the pain- steroid injections, oral steroids, muscle relaxers, ibuprofen, pan killers, and surgery. At the same time I was suffering from my herniated disc, a friend of mine emailed me that she too was dealing with it. She opted for surgery, so it will be interesting to compare our progress down the road. (For the record, surgery will relieve the pain immediately; however, one needs to be aware of scar tissue and possible surgeries down the road.) I did not opt for surgery, as it's an option I'm not comfortable with, nor do I know how I'd deal with the anesthetic.

Another person I know only did muscle relaxers, and another friend has had wonderful success with epidural steroid injections. For me, personally, I opted to go the route of ibuprofen (800 mg 3 times per day), muscle relaxers, and tramadol for when it got really bad. I'm happy to report that I was able to wean myself down to regular ibuprofen (between 400-800 mgs per day) and Arnica. I have found Arnica to be incredible for helping with the inflammation of the nerve.

I have also found that breathing into the pain, and at times focusing on it helped me to get through it. It also helps me to get on and off the examination table to traction, and in and out of cars. Before I move, I take a deep breathe in, let it out, and do it again and again if I need to.

I must admit, that dealing with this pain, learning how to breathe into it and let myself feel it - has been a gift. Yes, there have been quite a few gifts from this... but that is for another post.

Excited... (Week 5)

That's how I feel today. Tomorrow will be the determining factor, mind you. - the day after traction. But today, today I walked in almost straight. Today, I managed my pain by being very careful how I move and sit, deep breathing, stretching, and meditation. Today, I was able to shower without having to sit down and feeling completely wiped out after. It's still there - but I can manage it on my own. Today, I felt SO close.

And what made my day? Having my chiro tell me that he was excited at the progress I'm making.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can do this. I feel like my body has shifted, decided that it's going to do this.

Hidden Gifts from a Herniated Disc

The first week, I found myself wallowing in self-pity and depression. I couldn't move without pain. We had to cancel a vacation with friends. My husband spent his birthday and father's day caring for me and the two kids were in rare form as they knew Mommy was injured. I still remember him returning from the store, holding a mini-cheesecake, announcing that it was his birthday present.

I wanted to be placed in a dark hole, curl up in a ball (comfortably, mind you), and just sleep until I was better. I didn't want to deal with things. I was having a really hard time dealing with my limitations. I hated asking for help because I couldn't do anything. I was so sad and upset. And I realized, I need to find something, anything, to help get me through this.

So I took a deep breath, and took a good look around me.


I immediately became aware of the support that I received via emails asking how I was doing and telling me to "hang in there" and via friends who organized themselves to help me clean my house, do laundry, bring meals, and help me out with the kids during the day. It was hard to get lost in the sadness of feel bad when friends rushed in to help catch me. It has meant the world, and even though I want to focus completely on my healing, I still find myself wondering how exactly I can thank them.

One of the most powerful gifts, have been those people who've taken the time to be with me and connect with me. It took me a while to realize, but when I did, I couldn't help but feel grateful for the experience. It's been several weeks, and I've been blessed to spend time with and really get to talk and connect with some amazing people who I didn't know all that well before this. The sense of a deeper connection has helped me to feel fulfilled during this.

As I never know how my days will be, or how I will feel one moment to the next, I am rather stuck in the present moment. I can't make plans in advance, because I don't know how I will feel moment-to-moment. I tend to get tired super easily and depending on how I sleep, can affect everything too. And there is a gift in not having to worry about what to plan, or where to go. I have to slow down, take my time.

It is this slowness that I've been enjoying, as just a few months ago, we were speeding along and feeling the effects of moving fast and not taking time to pause. Being forced to stay at home, and not being able to do much on my end, I've had time to read. I am so aware of the kids and how they feel when I hug them. The scent of their shampoo, the feel of their hands in mine, the way my youngest must be near me. It's nice. It's a gift I want to keep with me.

Since I'm not exercising and can't move, I have more time. More time to think, to write this blog, to snuggle, to sit and not move, to rest. I'm still trying to figure out how to make the most of this time as I can do some reading, some typing, etc. but there are days when even that is challenging. Thus, I'm still working on making the most of this gift.

I am getting really good at pain management through deep breathing. As I've been in a lot of pain, I've had plenty of opportunities to manage it. When getting on and off the chiropractic examination table, I've found that moving slowly and pausing to breathe helps get me through those uncomfortable situations.

I joke that I will master the arts of patience, acceptance, and letting go, as I've had to apply all three during this situation. Mind you, learning these arts has not been fun - at all. In the long run though, I'm sure that these will be gifts. Really. 

Almost forgot, that my children are becoming more independent from this, and their creativity is flowing. The eldest has been helping the youngest (who opted to potty train this week), making her own food, and learning how to compromise. The girls have been entertaining themselves, playing games and creating amazing stories. The youngest has also been snuggling me nonstop, which has been wonderful.

And of course, as my husband tells you, think of this as getting a chance to start over. Because I will have to start over with exercising and retraining my muscles, among other things. I can use this to give myself a fresh start (as long as I don't focus on how far I was before all of this).

Wondering what a herniated disc is?

Here's a great slideshow with explanation:

http://www.spineuniverse.com/conditions/herniated-disc/herniated-disc-slideshow

Feeling a Bit Insecure

This morning I woke up in pain, a little more than yesterday. I'd like to think it's because my youngest decided to make use of her potty chair Monday, and has been using it (with a few exceptions) throughout the week. Yesterday, she opted to wear underwear - no diaper (though I did put one on while she was napping over the underwear). Thank goodness my mom is here helping me, because emptying, cleaning up - let's just say it's a lot more work than changing a diaper. I had more movement yesterday then I have in a long time. (Not necessarily a good thing.)

I didn't want to wake my husband (he's barely getting enough rest as it is), so I eased myself out of bed to the kitchen so I could eat something to take some pain meds and apply some ice. Now I sit here in the quiet morning, documenting my thoughts and listening to the song of birds.

It's strange to not really be able to plan ahead. Not knowing what the next day will bring, how I will feel. Sometimes I feel so fragile, because there are no guarantees or sure fire solutions. My body will hopefully reabsorb the particle pushing on the nerve. I hopefully won't sneeze or cough (which puts me back to the beginning).

Yesterday it's been a month since this happened. I admit that I'm more in the present moment then ever, because I have no clue what is going to happen. In some ways, it's freeing. In others, frustrating. I want more progress, things to happen faster. At the same time, there is a gift in a slow recovery in that I am forced to be patient, to accept where I am on a daily basis.

I desire a guarantee that I'm going to heal from this, be pain free, and grow stronger. Fact is, I have no idea how this will all play out. So I work on letting go... going with the flow, being present,  breathing deeply, and rely on little things to help my mood.

Two steps forward, one step back.

One of the things that has made this injury so challenging, is that I'll have a day or two of feeling better (not needing ibuprofen), and then I have traction. When it was the straight traction (think of it along the lines of a padded massage table that works like a rack in that it separates and stretches the body), it wasn't so bad the next day. Yesterday, however, he did some stretching and manipulations  that I was all too aware of this morning.

I am happy to report that the feeling in my toes has improved. I'm standing up straighter. Still need to rest and get tired easy, but I'm aware of the progress. Now, I just need to make sure that I don't sneeze or cough.

Reason #323 Why I Adore My Chiropractor

I had another traction session today with my chiropractor. Though progress is slow, as he said, "You are progressing along just as I expected." Today and yesterday, though still in pain, it's to the point where I've not taken ibuprofen since Tuesday. I have taken Arnica 30c. Originally, I used the gel.  Arnica  helps the inflammation as well as Nordic fish oil. On a level of 1 to 10 (10 being excruciating - don't you dare touch or move me - please pass another Tramadol), I'd venture to say I'm about a 5-6 today.

The first time I met him, I liked him. (And it wasn't because he was very nice looking.) He made eye contact, thoroughly explained everything, and told me right off the bat, "This is what I can do... If we get to a point where I think I can't do anything else, I'll refer you to someone else. If at anytime you aren't comfortable with me, please seek another opinion."

Throughout this entire process he has been up front and honest, and very clear with all of my options - from traction to medications to surgery. He has been a strong pillar of support (whether it be helping me onto the table, talking about how I tend to stress out and what I can do about it, to cheering me on when I've wanted to give up, and then some). The entire time I've been his patient, he reaffirms that it's my choice, and he's done everything in his power to help ease my pain. He did everything to try and get me on my vacation, and was upset with us when we all realized that it wasn't going to happen. He took the time to explain everything to my hubby, including showing us the MRI. He called me on a Saturday night, after returning from an overnight trip to give me the results of my MRI.

Next week, he's upping the anti with traction in doing more manipulations. Today, while in traction, I could feel the feeling in my foot lighten up. (It used to feel like pins and needles, as though it were asleep. Now, it feel tight, as though it was swollen - which it is not.) I was able to move a bit more. Today, I felt hope. It's still a long road, each day another step down it.

Imagine Dragons

Today, thanks to a friend on Facebook, I was blessed to come across this quote:

"This is how I WANT to feel today, so this is how I WILL feel today.

Damnit."

followed by this video:

Today I discovered the group, Imagine Dragons. I'm loving their music. And I love how this songs makes me feel... as though I'm "on top of the world" instead of immobile on a couch.

Fitting song

This song just seemed rather appropriate as I'm taking things day by day, one step at a time. In many ways I'm starting over as well...

Post traumatic growth? Today's Inspiration (Week 4)

I woke up this morning to discover a dear friend has posted this on her Facebook account this morning:

It's a great video. It's especially great if you are dealing with pain, or situations that have left you feeling hopeless, frustrated, wanting to just give up. I know, because I've been dealing with all of these situations over the last few weeks.

Jane has given me a lot of food for thought. What would I call my personal game? Who would my secret identity be? Who would my allies be? What am I battling? What are my power ups? (Anything I can do to help me feel a little bit good.) I am inspired to think about what this means to me. Alas, I do not have an iphone, so I'm not sure how I can get her SuperBetter application, so I might just create something more personalized for me.

In this video, she mentions how traumatic situations can help us to grow. And I have to admit, that despite the pain, the moodiness, I am indeed growing from this on some level.

In the beginning...

On June 13, 2012 I woke up with severe sciatica. By June 14th, I couldn't walk without assistance. I had to borrow a wheel chair to get to my MRI and to go to the doctor to get pain meds and muscle relaxers. Mind you, we were scheduled to leave for vacation on June 15th.

Vacation did not happen. In the course of a few days, life as I knew it changed as I found myself incapacitated by pain that was so bad, I wanted to be placed in a dark hole and not move again. (Mind you, I'm familiar with pain. I birthed two kiddos without medication or epidurals.)

During this process I've had to deal with intense pain. I've had to rely on others for help. I've had to be still (and that is when you learn just how active the mind really is). I've been humbled. I've struggled to keep a chin up. I've learned to deal with pain.  Our entire family has been affected on multiple levels. This is how it all began.