Mr. Marston... we really need to talk about the fly on my wall...

So, I've mentioned before that I've been completely terrified of the surgery to the point of panicky attacks leading to more inflammation and pain. The last few days, as I've been accepting surgery, I have realized I feel more calm, perhaps dare I say, courageous about it. I'm facing, or breathing through, my fear so that I can go into surgery with a positive mindset.

And today, I read this:

The power of courage

Fear is an obstacle you impose upon yourself. The power of any fear is the power you choose to give it. 

And just as surely as you choose to fear, you can choose to move beyond that fear. In an instant you can transform the power of fear into the power of courage. 

Read more: http://greatday.com/motivate/120825.html#ixzz24bR4wr00

Definitely read the entire article, because the last part rings truth for me as well.

Inspiration via Dani Orner

Today I came across this article where I was "introduced" to Dani Orner (another Danielle who goes by Dani):
http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/08/25/cancer-took-my-leg-not-my-spirit/

And it spoke to me. Not only because I adore yoga, but because of her messages throughout it.

Yoga defies expectations. Over the years, I’ve watched people walk into class with an array of expectations of what yoga will be for them: easy, torturous, simply exercise, youth-restoring, spiritual, woo-woo, relaxing, boring, weird, and life-changing. Once you begin your practice, you learn to give up those labels and just show up. In each of my classes, I never know what is coming next. I never know if it will be something I can do or something I have to work on or something I’ll never be able to master. I’m okay with that now. I’m okay with showing up to uncertainty.

Yoga helps me realize that life is a combination of practice and letting go.

Yes. Yes, I get the uncertainty. Even now, feeling hope in regards to surgery bringing me relief - I am faced with uncertainty. How many times have I gotten my hopes up in the past two months, only take a step or two backwards? I still remember the hope I felt that day I woke up pain free. And the freedom I had for a week before I started the slow decline that would lead me to my second MRI.

Like a strength pose where I am learning to relax muscles even as they shake with effort, I breathe into my projects. Yoga reminds me to live in the now. It reminds me, if I keep showing up for myself, I can do more than I imagined.

Yes, Dani, I get the breathing. I have breathed through the pain each time. And it helps a lot. I have found that breathing through meditation, through pain, through life... is so what I need right now, and which was the first thing to go before. But now... oh the importance of the breath has a whole new meaning for me this round.

  In the western world, we are so competitive and so focused on keeping hold of things over which we have no control. We set ourselves against our own bodies. We talk in terms of fighting back the bulge, the disease, and the clock. We hold tight to images of what we need to be before we find happiness. We think of diets and exercise in terms of deprivation and torture. We push, and we struggle. I had to let go of the fight. Now, I listen for where I need to go and take steps into the darkness. I embrace my body in sickness and in health, in triumph and in failure, in strength and in weakness.

Three years into remission, I am no longer afraid. I used to spend so much time worrying about whether or not cancer was growing inside me. I worried about what the treatments would take away from me—my hair, my energy, my career, comfort, future plans, pieces of my body. Now, I treat my body like a temple with fresh vegan food, relaxation, and forgiveness. I celebrate what is here now. I put more scars on my mat than there are scars on my body. No matter what comes, I will be present for it.

I have had such a struggle with my body during this time. Why won't it heal? Why does it hurt? Why can't I move it without pain? In the beginning, I ate really bad foods to "drown" my sorrows and pain. Which in turn led me to gain weight, which continued the cycle. Now, on top of the pain and feeling sorry for myself, my clothes were getting tighter, and my body was getting bigger. Eventually, I managed to subtly shift my eating habits - I try to eat a vegetable with every meal and snack too if possible. I stopped the morning chai lattes opting for straight green tea. And I try not to weigh myself.

Since I can't exercise, I could start honoring my body by eating better. Things were going well until I started to decline. I got upset with my body again. Why didn't the chiropractic care work? I started off terrified of surgery... to the point of sheer panic and mini panic attacks. I did NOT want this. I'd fought so hard, why me?

And then, I breathed in... and out... and in... and out... and realized that maybe this was what I needed to do. And if that is the case, then how can I make it better for me? How can I make this experience come from a place of love, to foster love, instead of fear? From the surgery to the dailiness of it all...

I've also been thinking about being present again. What is here, now? When I started feeling better, I started to think about getting this and that done. What I could be doing, or should be doing. Maybe, just maybe what I need right now, in order to heal, is to continue being present, and stop worrying about how the house looks, what I should declutter, etc. Maybe, I should focus on how I can best heal and honor my body.

I remember that life is a balance between what we can control and what we can’t. I’m learning to live between effort and surrender.

 

 So am I, Dani. So am I.

Interesting and inspiting tidbit...

Came across this inspiring article today:
 
Seven Simple Steps For Enhancing Your Health Through Self-Care:  http://www.hungryforchange.tv/the-power-of-love

Ah... Ralph Marston has a fly on my wall again...

I love to read this daily. Many times (more than I care to admit), what he's written has directly applied to my life. Today is no different:


Living your purpose

The way to have a full and happy life is to live it every chance you get. The way to get beyond the excuses is to stop believing them and to start living your purpose.
Decide to see the obstacles as steps along the path rather than blockades. Let the challenges strengthen you, and let the disappointments inspire you to push more purposefully forward.
Whatever the objective, whatever the dream, there is always a way. You can find it and you can live it by thinking and acting from the perspective of purpose.

Read more: http://greatday.com/motivate/120823.html#ixzz24QEcXPaK

And now I wait...

Today I had my second MRI. I'm hoping insurance will cover it. I've decided that I'm not going to worry about the cost, because it will be another month or so before we have to face it. I hope.

I have to admit, that for me, there is something extremely centering about getting an MRI. Maybe it's the cocoon-like environment. Maybe it's all the clicking. I found myself comfortable, under a warm blanket, breathing deeply, while someone else had to focus on me for what turned out to be 45 minutes. It became a sacred meditation where the words peace, joy, hope, and love kept popping up. I repeated them over and over (in my mind, not out loud), and I found myself filled with a sense of peace. 

There is the very real possibility that I might be facing surgery. And I've made peace with that. Actually, I've decided that if I do have to go through surgery, I'm going to turn it into a spiritual experience complete with an affirmation they can tell me before I go under, and a reflexology session or some other special way to help me heal for after.

Now that I've been forced to face my fear, if this is the plan... I'm going to make the most of it - and before and after.

Perhaps, just maybe, that is where this journey is bringing me, to being able to see my life and those in it as something sacred. And once I've experienced that, perhaps, just perhaps, it will help me to encourage others to find this in their own lives and remind me to continually celebrate it in my own life.

Sometimes life has other plans

Today, I found out that I have an MRI appointment tomorrow. I also talked to a friend who pointed out that I needed to get real about the classes I am signed up to teach this year. The more I look at the big picture, the more I realize I might have to say no. Which really bugs me.

I don't know if I'll need surgery or not. But I'm mentally preparing for it, seeking out a positive mindset.

Time to make an appointment with the neurosurgeon (10 weeks)

Well, today I put up a good fight. I tried reflexology, and we thought we kicked it. But when I woke up and went to the chiro, it was really bad. To the point that my skin was red and hot to the touch from the inflammation.

I told him to make the appointment with the neurosurgeon. I'm feeling a plethora of emotions... I'm terrified of getting surgery. I really do not want to end up in the ER on my daughter's birthday. And I'm doing my best to process all of this.

Struggling to keep my spirits up

After feeling so much better, and now dealing with pain again (still not as bad as it was, but not so good either), I'm in a bit of a funk. Rather, it's hard to feel hopeful.

But, after a long chat with my mom, I realize that it's time to get more information and reevaluate my options.

Guess we'll see where it all leads from here.

It's personal.

After a tough week, we come to today. Early this morning I woke up having a mini-panic attack because I was in a lot of pain. My sweet husband consoled me, and helped me to fall back to sleep. 

When I woke up, I was angry. I have come so freakin' far, and I refuse to go back. There was a spark and spunk to me. I wanted to fight for this. I refused to go back.

I managed to forgo ibuprofen today until I saw the chiropractor.  He took a few more xrays to see where I stand. The good news is - my hips are okay! Actually, better than the first xray he took.

The bad news is that the nerve is agitated again. Which means it's the disc. While in traction today, he declared to me, "You do realize that now this is personal. I will help you beat this." Which is what I wanted to hear.

I've upped the anti and I'm calling in reinforcements. Monday, I'm going to try a little something to see if it works. Until then, I'm resting and I will put forth my all to get through this.

:(

I'm pretty sure that I re-agitated the nerve this past weekend. I've spent the last two days back on pain meds, to help with any inflammation. I'm not so sure that it's my hip, but then, I guess I won't until tomorrow's x-rays.

Meantime, seems today is one of those busy days for me. Guess I need to fit rest in there too. Hmmm...

"Every day's a good day when you paint"

Even if you don't paint... this can be inspiring... So you might be wondering, why did she post this? What does it have to do with her back?

It makes me smile. It reminds me of my grandmother and my uncle - both who learned from him and watched his show. Plus, it's just inspiring.

One Step Back with a Swollen Bursa? (Week 9)

On Saturday, I tested my luck by going to the store. Mind you, I've been warned to not walk on concrete, which the floor of the store is made of, but I felt okay, and needed to get out. Instead of forcing myself to sit, I didn't. Saturday night, I felt sore.

Sunday morning, I woke up sore. I took it easy, and then I ventured out to book club. It was my first car ride that was over 10 minutes (I think it was about a half hour or so). And then I sat still for 2 hours. When I got up from the chair, I felt that pinch of pain. (Did I mention the mini coughing fit?)

I was not a happy camper, and attempted not to berate myself for being so foolish. The good news is, the numbness in my toes is practically gone.

Today it was a little better. I did manage to go for a walk because it felt okay. And, I knew I had an appointment this evening. During the appointment, he noted (for the second time) that my bursa in my hip was tender. He wants to do more xrays to check my hip and make sure there isn't a misalignment there.


Hmm... seems that I'm presenting him with yet another puzzle to solve... I'm not sure this is a good thing. I really, really want to get back to moving.  *Sigh*

Appreciation (aka ways to support someone going through a long term healing process)

The other day I had a discussion with a friend of mine who is recuperating from heart surgery. (She's on her own healing journey, and healing up wonderfully.) We realized that though we would never willingly choose to be in this position, we have been thoroughly amazed by the kindness and generosity of our friends and family during this time.


This led me to thinking about what a person can do for others who are in long term recuperation, or dealing with a disabling illness (from having a baby, to recovering from surgery, dealing with cancer, etc.) I know that before all of this, I wasn't sure what I could offer someone going through something so intense. Now that I've gone through it, I have a whole new perspective of how to treat others going through similar situations.


~ Offer to help where you can.~

Because chances are - we won't or don't want to ask. One of the things that has driven my friend and me crazy, is how we are forced to depend on others to help us, and how much we dislike being in this position. We've had a few people comment about how nice it must be to have people wait on us and do things for us. Actually, we'd trade spaces with you in a heart beat.


I have realized, that I don't like to be waited on. I don't like feeling as though I'm a burden. I don't like having to call and ask people to come and help me out with the kids.

It's really, really freakin' hard for us to ask for others to help us. Especially when we know they have other things to do or lead busy lives. I can also tell you, that we especially appreciate those who have super-busy lives who make time to help us and to check in.

Since I've been injured, I have gladly appreciated help cleaning, doing laundry, and help with the projects around the house. Otherwise it falls on hubby to carry the load. Now that I'm feeling better, I can do a few things to help out, but any lifting is off limits - which means laundry. (And ironically, I miss being able to do that the most!)

~ Check in. ~

Please check in to see how we are doing. A phone call, a card, an email or electronic message makes a difference. A simple sentence telling us that you are thinking about us... can make our day. It is especially helpful when you ask us what we need. Granted, there's a good chance we'll tell you we're okay, but on those occasions when we need something from the store (both my friend and I can't drive for a while), it's appreciated.

Not to mention, it's just nice to connect with people.

~ Meals mean more than you know.~

My friend told me how grateful she was to have people sign up to bring her meals until August. She also got a lot of gift cards to restaurants. We were blessed to have a friend rally our other friends together and prepare meals that our family could eat. All four in our little family happen to have a food allergy or intolerance of some sort... so it meant SO much to have our friend coordinate ingredients and prepare recipes that all of us could eat. Not to mention, we got to try a few new foods. Yum!

As my hubby already does most of the cooking, this gave him a break. The first weekend we ate pizza for 3 days as we dealt with me being out of commission and the heartbreak of missing our vacation. And for me, I was overwhelmed with the generosity. It meant so much.

Even now, when we get the occasional offers of food - it makes a difference because it's one less thing my husband needs to worry about.

~ Just being there, can make all the difference.~

When my friend was in the hospital, she was touched by the friends who visited her there. Some  visited every day. It really meant a lot to her having people check in and visit with her.

I know that for me, sometimes just having someone here to talk to and chat with kept me from sinking into a hopeless void of despair. Even if we were on computers in different rooms, having someone around to help if need be, meant something. 



Having people stay here to help out, enabled me to really connect and have deep conversations that I otherwise wouldn't get to have, and which really made a difference. Many times I couldn't think of things to do or things that I needed, and then I realized it was just having someone to talk to, to be there, that really made an impact on my mood..

~~~~

A great big grand THANK YOU to those of you who've helped clean my home (I don't think it's ever been so clean as that first week when friends swarmed in to help. It freakin' sparkled!), who brought or made or contributed food, who've visited and sat and chatted with me, who've checked in, who've offered to help, who've done energy work... and more. I hope that your karma is well rewarded!!!

Tough Week

So maybe going for a walk after he worked on me on Monday was not a good idea. I've been so sore all week. (Could also be the 3 sneezes that agitated it as well... thankfully they were small ones, but still, I'll need to report them.)

I did do a few of the exercises that he okayed as well. Sometimes movement makes me feel better. We shall see. Today, I'll have help here if I need it.  Yesterday, I didn't, and that made things interested with my little one having a few potty training accidents. Oh my...

I'm feeling better today, so I'm going to take that as a good sign. I've decided that I need to move at least 1000-1500 steps a day.

We shall see how it goes...

Inspiration, Hope, Not giving up

This morning, I was feeling really down on myself. And then I watched this and got inspired. Step-by-step. I need to heal myself first, and then I can build up. Or, like I recently found out, I can start to slow work on myself while I'm healing. Baby steps. That's where I'm at. I might feel down at times, but I'm not out. I'm not giving up yet.

Giddy. Excited. On Track. (Week 8)

I went to see my chiropractor today. I was concerned this weekend because I was feeling so bad that I might have taken 2 steps back. However this morning I woke up feeling pretty good, and not in a lot of pain. Yay!  It turns out, I'm right where I should be. The disc is still not healed - if I turn certain ways, I feel it for sure. However, my range of movement has certainly improved.

The best part? I've been cleared to do minor exercises!!!! There are specific restrictions: no more than a set of 10 at one time, not all at once, and if I feel any pain at all, I am to stop immediately. (Make note, that each situation is different for each person, so if you happen to have a herniated disc confer with your doctor or chiropractor. These have been specified for me personally - they may not be best for everyone.)

So, allow me to share with you what I can do:

Before I do any of these - hold in the core muscles and keep them tight!!!

- Bend forward - slowly - as far as I can. Use a chair if need be.
- Bend backward - slowly.
- Bend to the right and left side - slowly.
- Twist to the right and left side - slowly.
- Knee lifts.
- Side leg lifts while standing.
- Lift legs back (this I need to be careful of because I do hurt when I reach a certain point)

Using 1-5 pound weights (obviously I'm starting with the lower end) and standing straight (no bending) moving VERY slow:
- Bicep curls (Squee!!!)
- Tricep curls (I need to keep them close to my sides and stand straight.)
- Shoulder press

I am not allowed to do this all at once. (No 20 minute work outs.) So I can do legs one day, and arms the next. I must remember, step-by-step. SLOW. 

And he wants me to walk as much as possible. I've been averaging 1500- 2000 steps the last week. Today, I actually walked outside about a half of the neighborhood, and it felt awesome.

My goals to build up to for next week: 2500-3000 steps average and maybe even work up to one time around the neighborhood.

Walking that thin line

I woke up this morning in a lot of pain, and I admit to using ibuprofen and arnica gel the last two days. I'm not sure if it's from the adjustment, cleaning out my closet on Saturday (I didn't do it on my own and I swear I took it easy!), or what. As my hubby likes to point out, there are always too many variables.

The last two days I've been worried. Am I taking 2 steps back? Is this part of the progress? I'll know when I talk to him this week.

I've also known two friends in the last month who have had back surgery on discs. And one who broke his vertebrae falling off a roof. It's kind of crazy when you think of it. And there are moments when I wonder, should I do surgery? No. I don't want to do surgery unless I have no other choice.

Today we got the insurance statements. *Sigh* They only cover 12 chiropractic visits, and 75 physical therapy visits. Which means, we're going to be owing a bit. At least they covered 2/3s of the MRI cost.

For a moment I had to stop and wonder if resigning from my job was a wise choice in regards for finances. Hubby is a bit stressed about what's to come. Fact is that I still wouldn't be back to work if I had stayed. I don't know what the future will bring. What I do know... is that I have this feeling that everything is going to be alright. I don't know why, nor how, and maybe I'm just living in some happy bubble (please don't bust it!).

My main priority is getting well... which means staying present. And that's what I'm trying to do.

A fine line...

Last night and this morning were tough ones. I went to bed and woke up in pain. I could've taken pain meds, but since I'm seeing the chiropractor today, I wanted to avoid them if I could stand it. I think I over did it yesterday because I was feeling well.

Oh the fine line that I am walking, balancing on, at times! So frustrating...

It's time to remember to slow down again. Even though I'm feeling better, I need to remember that it's not wise to just dive in.