Epiphany (Week 35)

I spent Saturday sitting on the couch watching movies. I had popcorn with hot cocoa for lunch, and I luxuriated in its buttery goodness. Later on, I got out my crocheting, enjoying the delicious texture of the yarn, seconded only by the delightful rainbow colors. I gave myself permission to skip my PT exercises (Shh! Don't tell my therapist!), and to just rest. Oh - it was bliss I tell you. Sheer and utter bliss!

And why is this such an important thing?

Because only a few months ago this was impossible without total and utter pain. I was lucky to be able to sit for 15 minutes, let alone spend all day on the couch.

This whole journey has been filled with lessons, and this morning was no exception. One of the biggest lessons has been that if I don't take care of me (getting enough rest, doing my exercises, eating the foods that nurture me, honoring my need to hibernate and to be social), my back will swiftly remind me that I've been lax. It will hurt and ache, and that's just not a good thing.

I used to be envious of those moms who were Super Women. The ones who can juggle 14 balls in the air while balancing on a ball on one leg. There were times moms like this made me feel inferior, because I just didn't have the energy to push on as they did. I used to feel weak, not good enough, that I "should" be doing more to dive in and help others while getting my kids to a ton of activities and not saying no.

And then I hurt my back, and I realized something. That's not who I am.

I grew up with a mom who is filled with energy, who can do 20 things at once, who can edge a bed and wield a shovel at the age of 70 better than I ever could. She was amazing, and constantly on the go. And I am surrounded by amazing women like this today. And although I admire them, I have realized, even before I injured my back - it's not me.

In July, I resigned from my job of 10 years. There were many reasons for this, but the biggest one was because I wanted to be more present for my children. I wanted to fully be with them, and not thinking or worrying about what I had to do for my job. As a bonus, it's enabled me to bump up the volunteer hours with their homeschooling programs.

But as I've taken on more, I was reminded that I only have so much time to give, and that now, my time is even more precious as my children are young, and growing fast, and frankly, I want to immerse myself in their hugs (while they still want to hug me). I want to savor the games we play together and reading to them. I want to teach them how to honor themselves, and how to trust that what is best for them, might not be best for others.

I am reminded that while some people can go and choose to go full speed, that may not be what is best for me. As my body changes with the physical therapy exercises, I may not look like a fitness instructor, but I'm different than I was last June. I can see the changes here and there, though others can't. I can feel the strength returning and my balance improving. I understand that when I don't get enough sleep, caffeinating myself isn't enough, there's a good chance that I will be in pain as a result, and I need to honor that.

By honoring myself, I can only compare me to me. This last year, I've become more aware of my limits. I really value my time and how I spend it, which I almost forgot, but was reminded of this weekend. And thus, I might need to say no to a few more things, continue to cut back on the computer time, and limit the activities. And that's okay.

Trying to stay positive (Week 18)

Hitting a hard point this week. Exhausted during the day from the anti-inflammatory, yet can't sleep at night because my mind is racing. Mom is in town helping to get things done, and I'm realizing that I think I need more rest.

I'm so tired. I'm so frustrated. Today, I'm feeling pain. I'm feeling helpless and worn and lost.
An amazing care package from a Canadian love arrived today. (Thank you so much.) And it did cheer me, but right now, as I lay here, the rest of my family doing their own thing... I feel weighted down by sadness and the tears are flowing.

I want my life back. I want to lift and hold my child and not feel so blooming helpless. I want to walk outside again. I want to dance and do simple Wii activities. I want to enjoy not working. I have been trying to look into more information about herniated discs, but it's the same old, same old.

I meet with the surgeon again in November, and before that, I'm scheduled to go to the pain clinic for an epidural if the anti-inflammatory doesn't work.

I need to get refocused on the positives here: the cuddles, the snuggles, having my mom here, the gorgeous day today, the cookies and fudge that await me during tomorrow's tea...

But then again... maybe, just maybe I need to take some time and have a good cry. Sigh.

I get this, oh, I so get this.

Lately, I've been so aware of various videos, articles, and the like that have been popping into my path, and how they have touched me on a soul level with the synchronicity of it. Today, I found this article in my FB feed. I get it, and I love the information that she shares about how her experiences have changed her.

"Overcoming my physical limitations has been hard, but overcoming my emotional reaction to it has been the hardest obstacle to overcome. Learning to live in the now has been my salvation."

If you want to be inspired, check it out:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/when-things-go-wrong-you-can-thrive-not-just-survive/

Super Soul Sunday on Oprah...

The other day, a friend posted a link on my Facebook page. I checked it out, and discovered that it was one of a series of shows that Oprah is doing.

The breathing spaces, the speakers, the conversations...listening to them (usually while playing Spider Solitaire), have left me feeling fuller. The other day, a friend of mine asked me, "If this particle in you was a part of you that you've cut out from yourself, what would it be? I think it's your spirituality."

You know what... the day before I started to watch/listen to these. And they left me feeling a sense of peace, a sense of something I don't have a word for yet, that I have been missing. Did I cut myself off from my spirituality? Yes, I did a few years ago. And since then, I've felt a bit of a void and an emptiness. 

http://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/super-soul-sunday.html

Besides, with all of the political controversy (and, sadly all the hatred) at the moment I needed my spirit, my soul, a part of me to be nurtured with love, compassion, and peace. Thank you my friend, for this gift.

Sometimes life has other plans

Today, I found out that I have an MRI appointment tomorrow. I also talked to a friend who pointed out that I needed to get real about the classes I am signed up to teach this year. The more I look at the big picture, the more I realize I might have to say no. Which really bugs me.

I don't know if I'll need surgery or not. But I'm mentally preparing for it, seeking out a positive mindset.

Appreciation (aka ways to support someone going through a long term healing process)

The other day I had a discussion with a friend of mine who is recuperating from heart surgery. (She's on her own healing journey, and healing up wonderfully.) We realized that though we would never willingly choose to be in this position, we have been thoroughly amazed by the kindness and generosity of our friends and family during this time.


This led me to thinking about what a person can do for others who are in long term recuperation, or dealing with a disabling illness (from having a baby, to recovering from surgery, dealing with cancer, etc.) I know that before all of this, I wasn't sure what I could offer someone going through something so intense. Now that I've gone through it, I have a whole new perspective of how to treat others going through similar situations.


~ Offer to help where you can.~

Because chances are - we won't or don't want to ask. One of the things that has driven my friend and me crazy, is how we are forced to depend on others to help us, and how much we dislike being in this position. We've had a few people comment about how nice it must be to have people wait on us and do things for us. Actually, we'd trade spaces with you in a heart beat.


I have realized, that I don't like to be waited on. I don't like feeling as though I'm a burden. I don't like having to call and ask people to come and help me out with the kids.

It's really, really freakin' hard for us to ask for others to help us. Especially when we know they have other things to do or lead busy lives. I can also tell you, that we especially appreciate those who have super-busy lives who make time to help us and to check in.

Since I've been injured, I have gladly appreciated help cleaning, doing laundry, and help with the projects around the house. Otherwise it falls on hubby to carry the load. Now that I'm feeling better, I can do a few things to help out, but any lifting is off limits - which means laundry. (And ironically, I miss being able to do that the most!)

~ Check in. ~

Please check in to see how we are doing. A phone call, a card, an email or electronic message makes a difference. A simple sentence telling us that you are thinking about us... can make our day. It is especially helpful when you ask us what we need. Granted, there's a good chance we'll tell you we're okay, but on those occasions when we need something from the store (both my friend and I can't drive for a while), it's appreciated.

Not to mention, it's just nice to connect with people.

~ Meals mean more than you know.~

My friend told me how grateful she was to have people sign up to bring her meals until August. She also got a lot of gift cards to restaurants. We were blessed to have a friend rally our other friends together and prepare meals that our family could eat. All four in our little family happen to have a food allergy or intolerance of some sort... so it meant SO much to have our friend coordinate ingredients and prepare recipes that all of us could eat. Not to mention, we got to try a few new foods. Yum!

As my hubby already does most of the cooking, this gave him a break. The first weekend we ate pizza for 3 days as we dealt with me being out of commission and the heartbreak of missing our vacation. And for me, I was overwhelmed with the generosity. It meant so much.

Even now, when we get the occasional offers of food - it makes a difference because it's one less thing my husband needs to worry about.

~ Just being there, can make all the difference.~

When my friend was in the hospital, she was touched by the friends who visited her there. Some  visited every day. It really meant a lot to her having people check in and visit with her.

I know that for me, sometimes just having someone here to talk to and chat with kept me from sinking into a hopeless void of despair. Even if we were on computers in different rooms, having someone around to help if need be, meant something. 



Having people stay here to help out, enabled me to really connect and have deep conversations that I otherwise wouldn't get to have, and which really made a difference. Many times I couldn't think of things to do or things that I needed, and then I realized it was just having someone to talk to, to be there, that really made an impact on my mood..

~~~~

A great big grand THANK YOU to those of you who've helped clean my home (I don't think it's ever been so clean as that first week when friends swarmed in to help. It freakin' sparkled!), who brought or made or contributed food, who've visited and sat and chatted with me, who've checked in, who've offered to help, who've done energy work... and more. I hope that your karma is well rewarded!!!

Life Changes

When a major injury occurs, especially a back injury, there is a chance it might be life changing. If the person can't move, their entire life is affected on many levels. Some people heal quickly, and go back to where they were before. Others can be profoundly affected, on a physical and spiritual level. Our family has faced many changes, some of which will carry over into "life after the injury".

Before my injury, my husband opted to shave his head. Mind you, over the last 11 years, he has chosen to grow his hair, and then donate it to Locks of Love. Over the last year, he was able to cut 10 more inches to donate. It was his last donation.

He declared that this was this start of his transformation, and a familial one. I don't think that he expected our lives to transform so much over the last month and a half. For one thing, since I can't do anything, he's been carrying the load. We've also been blessed to have people offer help in terms of meals, taking shifts at the house, and more. We discovered that we have an amazing support group here.

 My children have become more independent. My youngest, Da Squeak, suddenly decided it was time to use the potty. She went from being afraid of baths, to wanting one all the time now. She wants to do more things on her own. My eldest is learning to help carry the load, literally because if we go some place, she needs to help carry things. She's also learning to take initiative with her schooling, and makes some of her own meals.

As for me, my whole life has been shaken up. My exercise routine, when I'm able to reestablish one, will start over and be limited. I've resigned from my job. I've discovered my life's passion. I am more aware than ever how important slowing down, being aware, and taking my time is, and I hope that I carry this caution with me after I heal.

Aside from the gifts I've discovered, our family has been through an amazing transformation on many levels. Perhaps this can be considered more gifts. Either way, it's enhanced our journey and strengthened us as a family.

I need to be more careful... (Week 6)

Today and yesterday were all too close reminders of just how careful I need to be. One wrong move, or over doing it, can set me back pain wise, or worse. And it gets harder the better I feel because I long to do more...

However, today, not only was I able to stand up straight, but bend back a bit.

Letting Go

One of the challenges during this time, has been having to let go of a few things. July was the month of activity for us, rather it was supposed to be. Filled with swimming lessons, summer camps, festivals and more.

Instead, we had to make decisions and get real about what was really possible. Swimming lessons were off, because hubby is dealing with a new project at work, and by the time he gets home, he is exhausted. I am limited in movement, couldn't take the heat, but more importantly can not drive nor walk far (which nulled any festivals we wanted to attend). So, we opted to forgo them this year. We felt relieved when we made the decision; however, it's still hard when we hear who went and how great they were. Hopefully, next year we'll be able to make them. We shall see.

I was hoping that my youngest would be able to do her summer camp. It was supposed to be a time of transition for her, over an hour a day for 5 days of a program where she would go without mommy to prep her for the fall, as it was during the day, and I can't drive. We had to cancel that because it is just not possible to work out.

As a mom, I'm carrying a sense of guilt here for not doing more and calling it quits. It can be argued that perhaps I could've worked harder to make it work, or even called in the troops. (Mind you, I've been calling in troops over the last month, thus it's feeling like a burden now.) However, in many ways, it's been a relief to just say no. Not to mention the money we will be saving (that I can apply to chiropractic appointments).

Last night, in a discussion with my eldest, she admitted to me that she enjoys slow, laid back summers over busy, hectic, jam-packed summers. Even though I'm injured, she told me that it's been nice to stay home and have PJ days like we used to. She enjoys her friends, but she values the slowness. Perhaps that too is a lesson...

Meditation

What do you do when you physically can't exercise a lot, you've been munching on chocolate (and your hubby keeps getting it) because it helps your mood, and you eat whenever you need comfort? I asked myself that yesterday as I've been feeling the weight gain as a result.

Whenever I notice or think about it, I find myself tumbling into a dark cloud of hopelessness. Everything I had worked so hard for in muscle tone and strength over the last few years appears to be fading. It's disheartening, especially now, because I can't do those exercises, and when I can exercise again, I have to start from square one.

It's been one of the struggles I've been dealing with, aside from the fact that I don't remember what it feels like to stand up straight and feel strong.

The last few days, I've started meditation. I focus on breathing, and I visualize myself as healthy. I figure that it will at least calm me down, and help me to feel peaceful and centered (hopefully). And since I can't exercise my body, perhaps I can imagine exercising in my mind, and see where it leads. Who knows, maybe it will let me make peace with my body too?