I spent Saturday sitting on the couch watching movies. I had popcorn with hot cocoa for lunch, and I luxuriated in its buttery goodness. Later on, I got out my crocheting, enjoying the delicious texture of the yarn, seconded only by the delightful rainbow colors. I gave myself permission to skip my PT exercises (Shh! Don't tell my therapist!), and to just rest. Oh - it was bliss I tell you. Sheer and utter bliss!
And why is this such an important thing?
Because only a few months ago this was impossible without total and utter pain. I was lucky to be able to sit for 15 minutes, let alone spend all day on the couch.
This whole journey has been filled with lessons, and this morning was no exception. One of the biggest lessons has been that if I don't take care of me (getting enough rest, doing my exercises, eating the foods that nurture me, honoring my need to hibernate and to be social), my back will swiftly remind me that I've been lax. It will hurt and ache, and that's just not a good thing.
I used to be envious of those moms who were Super Women. The ones who can juggle 14 balls in the air while balancing on a ball on one leg. There were times moms like this made me feel inferior, because I just didn't have the energy to push on as they did. I used to feel weak, not good enough, that I "should" be doing more to dive in and help others while getting my kids to a ton of activities and not saying no.
And then I hurt my back, and I realized something. That's not who I am.
I grew up with a mom who is filled with energy, who can do 20 things at once, who can edge a bed and wield a shovel at the age of 70 better than I ever could. She was amazing, and constantly on the go. And I am surrounded by amazing women like this today. And although I admire them, I have realized, even before I injured my back - it's not me.
In July, I resigned from my job of 10 years. There were many reasons for this, but the biggest one was because I wanted to be more present for my children. I wanted to fully be with them, and not thinking or worrying about what I had to do for my job. As a bonus, it's enabled me to bump up the volunteer hours with their homeschooling programs.
But as I've taken on more, I was reminded that I only have so much time to give, and that now, my time is even more precious as my children are young, and growing fast, and frankly, I want to immerse myself in their hugs (while they still want to hug me). I want to savor the games we play together and reading to them. I want to teach them how to honor themselves, and how to trust that what is best for them, might not be best for others.
I am reminded that while some people can go and choose to go full speed, that may not be what is best for me. As my body changes with the physical therapy exercises, I may not look like a fitness instructor, but I'm different than I was last June. I can see the changes here and there, though others can't. I can feel the strength returning and my balance improving. I understand that when I don't get enough sleep, caffeinating myself isn't enough, there's a good chance that I will be in pain as a result, and I need to honor that.
By honoring myself, I can only compare me to me. This last year, I've become more aware of my limits. I really value my time and how I spend it, which I almost forgot, but was reminded of this weekend. And thus, I might need to say no to a few more things, continue to cut back on the computer time, and limit the activities. And that's okay.
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