Taking a Stand (Week 23)

Last week was amazing, even with hubby having to work all week. Aside from the gorgeous weather, which enabled me and the kids to go to the park everyday (including Thanksgiving), we had a quiet, delicious dinner, park time in the sun, and then we returned for pie. I ate 2 dinners (we ate first at noon), and 2 slices of pie bathed in bourbon flavored whip cream. Yummy.

On Friday, I was shifted to see a student physical therapist. Now, had it been a routine visit, I'd have been fine. But I was sore (I actually called the office about it on Wednesday and got an exercise to fix it), grumpy because I was in pain and at that time, I needed her to be more assertive and knowledgeable (the owner actually added 2 exercises to the program). I kept reminding myself that she needs to learn and practice, so I was nice, but very emotional. Lesson learned - I've got to speak up.

Thankfully, whatever she did helped the pain. On Friday it snowed and rained, but I got out and walked. I walked in the cold on Saturday and Sunday as well. Today, we went to the park again. It was awesome. Tomorrow, I've another PT (physical therapy) meeting.

I'm feeling stronger. I'm able to move more, and my new "goal" is to be able to sit on the couch and watch a movie with my family, and not be in severe pain afterward. Will it happen? I have hope. Since I started PT, I've already come so far. I can drive short distances. I've gone from maybe 250-300 steps per day when bed-ridden, to 800 -1000 steps per day (maybe over 1000 on good days) to averaging about 5000 steps (today I'm over 7000 so far - yay!) in the last 2 weeks. And, the walking makes it feel better.

This entire process has been such a learning curve. I'm learning how to speak up for myself. I'm learning what works for my body, and what doesn't. I'm learning that sometimes, I need to do my own research and find my own way, with the help of the professionals around me.

It's been quite the journey, to say the least. A lot has happened to bring me to this point in my life. And I have to say, that right now, this moment, despite the tweak of pain here and there... I am content. I am happy. I am filled with joy.

Thanksgiving Week (Week 22)

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I have much to be thankful for this week - like being able to walk to the park down the way and around the circle in my neighborhood. I'm sore this week... hoping it's just from physical therapy, or walking... supposed to meet with the therapist tomorrow...


The good news is... I don't need as much ibuprofen... actually, I've been taking the curcumin (turmeric) which is helping a lot.

Here's hoping...

Fear, Sunshine, and Happiness (Week 21)

"In 3 months it's usually healed..." words from the surgeon echoed in my mind over the weekend as I dealt with fear and pain. Apparently, me and Aleve do not get a long. So, there was a bit of rebellion, then waiting for it to clear my system so I could return to the ibuprofen (which is like an old friend now).

Fear has been an old friend through this process as well. It has challenged me, and I face it a lot. In another month I will return to meet the surgeon. Who, is pretty convinced I won't need surgery. At the same time, he won't release me from care either, until he is certain. So, I breathe, and hope and pray that my back will heal.

Today, however, I took a break from fear. I started the morning with a meditation before I left the bed. I had breakfast in quiet while the kiddos slept in. My friend stopped by to massage my back. I woke the girls up with a song and hugs. I contacted the physical therapists, and found one that is in a nice location (the other two were in stressful traffic areas).

The weather was amazing, and we opened the window to air out my house. The girls wanted to go for a walk. I followed my intuition and went with it. The sun was glorious... and oh to walk and move! I had to be careful... I didn't push myself (oh how I wanted to go farther). It was so glorious, that we ate lunch outside. The wind chimes sang as the breeze danced through them. We smiled and laughed.

Later I caught myself humming which turned into singing, and a small bit of dancing. I knew I had to rest, so I did. Hubby came home I I couldn't stop smiling. There... I'm doing it again. I meditated again, and took care of a few things, ate the most delicious dinner, and here I am. Resting. Smiling. Happy.

I still need to remind myself to take it easy and slow. Tomorrow I meet with the physical therapist. I am filled with hope, but greater than that, I am filled with joy and peace, right where I am. It's nice. I hope it stays for a while.

Ups and Downs

Last night I was feeling super down. I'd been off the anti-inflammatory meds, and could feel that there was still inflammation. I popped some ibuprofen, and woke up this morning in more pain. I was scared. Should I have gotten the shot? Should I reconsider the shot?

I'd reached out on Facebook, letting others know that I was nervous, scared, sad (I left out that I'm also a bit premenstrual) and immediately received a slew of much needed support. I was feeling better this morning, even meditated (while in the office too), which really centered and calmed me.

I think I love my surgeon... He reminds me of a happy Deepak Chopra. He's funny and relaxed, he put me at ease by letting me know that I'm likely to have a few recurrences that I am to REST through and he agreed that I should wait on the shot (but, also reminded me that it's my choice). He's recommended another round of anti-inflammatories (Aleve) for the next 3 weeks topped off with physical therapy. And, I'm to see him again in another month... (I like him, but not the 2 hour wait to see him.)

Thus, I am again feeling positive and hope-filled. And hoping won't be so worried by the next appointment. Here's to physical therapy!!!!

And I just want to take a moment to thank you (you know who you are). Those of you who've offered help, those of you who've checked in, those of you who've given me rides, helped me to clean my house and feed my family, those of you who've simple "been there" (to listen, talk, etc.), those of you who've reached out over the miles (via phone, FB, email, visits)... Special shout out to my mom for spending a week and a half with us to help me with projects around the house, watching the kiddos and giving my husband a break.

My husband has been beyond amazing. As he said today while leaving the doctors, "Through better or for worse, right? Sickness and in health? Pandas and all... darn the fine print." And been there he has... from the running the house, to the nightly reflexology, to the supportive hugs when I need them and more... My love, awesome and great doesn't even come close. You are beyond that. Thank you.


Thank goodness for dear friends who entertained my kiddos and B&N both appointments - we are SO grateful. So... this means, I need to continue to rest and relax (and not over do it... not that I did this week), and figure out how I'm going to get to the physical therapy. One step at a time...

Pain Clinic - No shot this time!

Had my appointment at the pain clinic today. The doc was awesome. I want the zen feeling that both he and my surgeon share. Seriously - they radiate calm and peace. It's lovely. When I told the doc that I didn't want the epidural steroid shot, his response was, "If you don't want it, then you don't need it."

Good news is that since the steroids and anti-inflammatory meds are working, it means that I am indeed dealing with disc inflammation, especially as I've not taken anything since the anti-inflammatory meds. In other words the disc bulge isn't pushing on my disc. So, putting together questions for the surgeon, as today's doc recommended I exercise and maintain a healthy weight. (They weighed me with my winter coat and shoes on, which added about 10 pounds.) Frankly, I need to find someone to work with me and teach me what I can and can't do. So, here's hoping for physical therapy... onto Friday for the next appointment... 

Oh, and he also said, that if it ever gets that bad again, to call them and tell them that he'd get me in within a week for the steroid shot. Feeling very hopeful. :)

Oh, more waiting... (Week 20)

Well, finished up the last of the anti-inflammatory meds yesterday. I've two doctor appointments this week, one with the pain clinic, and the other with the neurosurgeon. So far, there is pain, but it is nothing like it was. There is a soreness in the right bum, but I can live with it.

Will no more when the meds are out of the system...

Here's hoping (praying, wishing, desiring) that it worked. Hoping to talk to the docs about going to physical therapy.

On a side note... now that I can move around... finding it harder to be on the computer, to want to be on the computer. Email and FB are slipping... I'm giving myself permission to let it go and not worry about catching up

And now... off to read a book. Oh, and did I mention I've joined Deepak Chopra's 21 day meditation? Why yes, yes I have. (Great practice while I'm waiting, eh?)

Better to be wiped out than in pain (Week 19)

Oh the tiredness... topped off by some viral bug this week, thus I've been laying lower than usual. Appetite is nil, but just enough to enjoy the maple syrup candy from Vermont care of my ILs. Yum.

I know I've been posting a lot about the process, but today, I had to express my gratitude. Today was gray and rainy, and it started warm, but there is now a cool breeze blowing that smells of autumn. I was able to stay on my feet all morning, even got some cleaning done while hubby went to the store. We put a pot of beef stew on the stove, that I ate for dinner, and it was lovely. And earlier, Hubby and I went off to Midsomer (as in Midsomer Murders). I was even lucky enough to have my youngest snuggle up with me and fall asleep in my arms.

Oh how I so appreciate the snuggles now, especially as they get bigger. Just this morning my youngest came to me, upset because she couldn't find her sister. "Mommy? Where is my sista? I need to find her. I need to give her a hug and kiss!" Sure enough, she found her and delivered.

Sweet bliss.

The anti-inflammatory medicine is indeed working. Fingers crossed that it continues to work through All Hallow's Eve next week, and that I won't need the epidural steroid shot.

And now I wish you all a good weekend, as I'm off to Bollywood for a few hours.

Trying to stay positive (Week 18)

Hitting a hard point this week. Exhausted during the day from the anti-inflammatory, yet can't sleep at night because my mind is racing. Mom is in town helping to get things done, and I'm realizing that I think I need more rest.

I'm so tired. I'm so frustrated. Today, I'm feeling pain. I'm feeling helpless and worn and lost.
An amazing care package from a Canadian love arrived today. (Thank you so much.) And it did cheer me, but right now, as I lay here, the rest of my family doing their own thing... I feel weighted down by sadness and the tears are flowing.

I want my life back. I want to lift and hold my child and not feel so blooming helpless. I want to walk outside again. I want to dance and do simple Wii activities. I want to enjoy not working. I have been trying to look into more information about herniated discs, but it's the same old, same old.

I meet with the surgeon again in November, and before that, I'm scheduled to go to the pain clinic for an epidural if the anti-inflammatory doesn't work.

I need to get refocused on the positives here: the cuddles, the snuggles, having my mom here, the gorgeous day today, the cookies and fudge that await me during tomorrow's tea...

But then again... maybe, just maybe I need to take some time and have a good cry. Sigh.

Steroids and Sleepiness (Week 16)

So, I decided to start the round of steroids yesterday after much research and careful decision. I was very worried about how my system would react, and I'm happy to report that aside from a bit of dizziness, fuzziness, and sleepiness, it appears that the treatment is working.

I really wanted to avoid taking steroids, but I want to avoid surgery more. There is a lot more I'd like to write about, but right now, I'm pretty wiped out. So, I'm going to honor myself and let myself have a good rest these next few days before I start the mega anti-inflammatory medications. (Which also might wipe me out... we will see.)

And surgeon says... (Week 15)

Yesterday was a beautiful day. I was simultaneously nervous and excited because I was finally (finally!!) meeting with the surgeon. I was prepped with questions about the surgery, and dreamed of getting answers, and the day when I'd finally be back to "normal".

Well, then.

After waiting for 2 hours, to see him for 15 minutes, imagine my surprise when he walked in, radiating calm to tell me he didn't think I needed surgery. I admit it, I was in shock. What? I was happy, because I didn't want the surgery, but then reality hit. So what do I do now?

He suggested a round of oral (not the shot of which there are current issues http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2012/10/05/162402254/meningitis-outbreak-update-list-of-hospitals-released ) steroids followed up with a heavy duty anti-inflammatory. ( Medrol Dose Pack which is an oral steroid, followed by Mobic.)

I'm on the limb about the steroids. I'm giving myself a few days to really think about if I want to do them or not. I admit it - I'm a little scared with my history of medications. Plus, I'm feeling better this week, so are they really necessary or should I just skip to the Mobic? Lots to think about, and I want to make the best decision.

Thankfully, this has been a good week back wise. I've not been in as much pain, and movement has been good.

I admit, that I was hoping for surgery, and for a "quick fix". But when a surgeon recommends against it, maybe he's right. In talking to him, he said that my herniation is a small one and that if there is a loose particle that I should still wait. He gave the impression that surgery cannot be undone, so try all my other options first.

I'm not sure how hubby feels. I know he's fed up and tired with all that he's been doing. Sometimes I think he was hoping the surgery would be the big step needed to get our lives back (I know I had thought that).

So, here we are. Another month of waiting before we meet with the surgeon again. In the meantime, looks as though we really need to make the most of it. (I've called in my mom to come for a week to help out in the meantime.)

I can say one thing. It was incredibly empowering for the surgeon to give it back to me. (I'd pretty much turned it over to him, and he handed it back.)

The journey continues...

Waiting (Week 14)

October 5th is coming up, and I'm waiting. Oct 5th is when I meet with the surgeon. Today, managing the pain pretty well with the help of essential oil therapy, Omega 3s, and ibuprofen. Able to move better, but still need to be careful.

And still feeling quiet. My energy seems to be a bit low, and I'm trying to do my best to not think too much.

I am loving the weather. :)

I get this, oh, I so get this.

Lately, I've been so aware of various videos, articles, and the like that have been popping into my path, and how they have touched me on a soul level with the synchronicity of it. Today, I found this article in my FB feed. I get it, and I love the information that she shares about how her experiences have changed her.

"Overcoming my physical limitations has been hard, but overcoming my emotional reaction to it has been the hardest obstacle to overcome. Learning to live in the now has been my salvation."

If you want to be inspired, check it out:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/when-things-go-wrong-you-can-thrive-not-just-survive/

Feeling Peaceful. (Week 13)

The surgeon returns to the office on September 20th. When I realized this, I found myself filled with fear. This meant, when he returns, that I might be able to see him before October 5th. Which means surgery was coming up.

I've gone from feeling guilty and frustrated that I couldn't heal it on my own to accepting and considering that perhaps that is where my path is meant to go. I've been paralyzed with fear in the beginning, to facing that fear. I'm still nervous, and yet...

As I lay here and type this, the skies are gray and it's drizzling outside. There's a chill in the air, and my little family is recuperating from colds they started with on Saturday. Our house has been quiet, with an abundance of cuddles and snuggles, sniffles and tea, and all of us lounging around in pjs. It's been an environment of healing with bursts of frustration, and a few aches.

Instead of finding myself frustrated, I am peaceful.

This morning, hubby finally slept in, so I woke up and left him tucked in while I cared and cuddled our youngest. Even managed to get my youngest to help me make soup, so that when he woke up the house smelled of homemade goodness.

He appreciated the scent of soup throughout the house and the hearty lunch. My eldest informed me that it immediately made her feel better.

I don't know where my path is going to lead, or what is going to happen in the next few weeks. What I do know, is that today, this moment, as I lay tucked under the covers and listening to the crickets outside, I am happy. I am peaceful. I am liberated.

Super Soul Sunday on Oprah...

The other day, a friend posted a link on my Facebook page. I checked it out, and discovered that it was one of a series of shows that Oprah is doing.

The breathing spaces, the speakers, the conversations...listening to them (usually while playing Spider Solitaire), have left me feeling fuller. The other day, a friend of mine asked me, "If this particle in you was a part of you that you've cut out from yourself, what would it be? I think it's your spirituality."

You know what... the day before I started to watch/listen to these. And they left me feeling a sense of peace, a sense of something I don't have a word for yet, that I have been missing. Did I cut myself off from my spirituality? Yes, I did a few years ago. And since then, I've felt a bit of a void and an emptiness. 

http://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/super-soul-sunday.html

Besides, with all of the political controversy (and, sadly all the hatred) at the moment I needed my spirit, my soul, a part of me to be nurtured with love, compassion, and peace. Thank you my friend, for this gift.

The Journey Continues (Week 13)

Today I met with my chiropractor to view the MRIs and compare them. Yup, there's a difference in the two, and it is worse. The disc has indeed degenerated (there is no fluid in it), and you can see the bulge in the second MRI. It covers the nerve. There might even be multiple particles as opposed to the one. I'm on the list to get in to see the surgeon when he returns. In the meantime, I'm focused on the thought that I'm right where I'm meant to be, and it brings me comfort.

I love that my chiropractor was happy to see that I'm standing up straight, even though I'm still in pain. Each time I talk with him, he inspires me. We can talk about anything. He encourages me to try the holistic medicines, that it's my choice and that who knows, I might still be able to heal before the surgery. He is a positive influence in my life, and I admit I miss seeing him twice a week for treatment. I also love how he encourages me to be spiritual... something that I haven't been in a long time.


Emotionally, mentally, even spiritually, this is a journey that is affecting each of those levels. Instead of over thinking, I've been BEing. I've found myself coming across some spiritual information, via links and suggestions. Listening and watching have brought me a sense of peace as I stop worrying about what I'm in control of... and what I'm not.

I don't know where this journey will lead, what the outcome will be. What I do know, is that I'm holding on to "This is just where I'm meant to be." That feels right... and that is what important to me right now.

Quiet (12 Weeks)

It would appear that I missed a week. There are many thoughts in my mind, and yet I've found myself being quiet on many levels - physically, communication wise, and in general. There is nothing new to report, save that there are days when the pain is less, and days when the pain is more. I haven't been back to the chiropractor because I don't want to re-agitate things, not to mention if I am going into surgery, why spend money on chiropractic. And so... I wait. Quietly.

I'm still not ready to "speak" just yet... No... I need a bit more time to be quiet, breathe more, and wait.

And so, I'll leave you with the song that's been in my head the last few days... :) 

Mr. Marston... we really need to talk about the fly on my wall...

So, I've mentioned before that I've been completely terrified of the surgery to the point of panicky attacks leading to more inflammation and pain. The last few days, as I've been accepting surgery, I have realized I feel more calm, perhaps dare I say, courageous about it. I'm facing, or breathing through, my fear so that I can go into surgery with a positive mindset.

And today, I read this:

The power of courage

Fear is an obstacle you impose upon yourself. The power of any fear is the power you choose to give it. 

And just as surely as you choose to fear, you can choose to move beyond that fear. In an instant you can transform the power of fear into the power of courage. 

Read more: http://greatday.com/motivate/120825.html#ixzz24bR4wr00

Definitely read the entire article, because the last part rings truth for me as well.

Inspiration via Dani Orner

Today I came across this article where I was "introduced" to Dani Orner (another Danielle who goes by Dani):
http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/08/25/cancer-took-my-leg-not-my-spirit/

And it spoke to me. Not only because I adore yoga, but because of her messages throughout it.

Yoga defies expectations. Over the years, I’ve watched people walk into class with an array of expectations of what yoga will be for them: easy, torturous, simply exercise, youth-restoring, spiritual, woo-woo, relaxing, boring, weird, and life-changing. Once you begin your practice, you learn to give up those labels and just show up. In each of my classes, I never know what is coming next. I never know if it will be something I can do or something I have to work on or something I’ll never be able to master. I’m okay with that now. I’m okay with showing up to uncertainty.

Yoga helps me realize that life is a combination of practice and letting go.

Yes. Yes, I get the uncertainty. Even now, feeling hope in regards to surgery bringing me relief - I am faced with uncertainty. How many times have I gotten my hopes up in the past two months, only take a step or two backwards? I still remember the hope I felt that day I woke up pain free. And the freedom I had for a week before I started the slow decline that would lead me to my second MRI.

Like a strength pose where I am learning to relax muscles even as they shake with effort, I breathe into my projects. Yoga reminds me to live in the now. It reminds me, if I keep showing up for myself, I can do more than I imagined.

Yes, Dani, I get the breathing. I have breathed through the pain each time. And it helps a lot. I have found that breathing through meditation, through pain, through life... is so what I need right now, and which was the first thing to go before. But now... oh the importance of the breath has a whole new meaning for me this round.

  In the western world, we are so competitive and so focused on keeping hold of things over which we have no control. We set ourselves against our own bodies. We talk in terms of fighting back the bulge, the disease, and the clock. We hold tight to images of what we need to be before we find happiness. We think of diets and exercise in terms of deprivation and torture. We push, and we struggle. I had to let go of the fight. Now, I listen for where I need to go and take steps into the darkness. I embrace my body in sickness and in health, in triumph and in failure, in strength and in weakness.

Three years into remission, I am no longer afraid. I used to spend so much time worrying about whether or not cancer was growing inside me. I worried about what the treatments would take away from me—my hair, my energy, my career, comfort, future plans, pieces of my body. Now, I treat my body like a temple with fresh vegan food, relaxation, and forgiveness. I celebrate what is here now. I put more scars on my mat than there are scars on my body. No matter what comes, I will be present for it.

I have had such a struggle with my body during this time. Why won't it heal? Why does it hurt? Why can't I move it without pain? In the beginning, I ate really bad foods to "drown" my sorrows and pain. Which in turn led me to gain weight, which continued the cycle. Now, on top of the pain and feeling sorry for myself, my clothes were getting tighter, and my body was getting bigger. Eventually, I managed to subtly shift my eating habits - I try to eat a vegetable with every meal and snack too if possible. I stopped the morning chai lattes opting for straight green tea. And I try not to weigh myself.

Since I can't exercise, I could start honoring my body by eating better. Things were going well until I started to decline. I got upset with my body again. Why didn't the chiropractic care work? I started off terrified of surgery... to the point of sheer panic and mini panic attacks. I did NOT want this. I'd fought so hard, why me?

And then, I breathed in... and out... and in... and out... and realized that maybe this was what I needed to do. And if that is the case, then how can I make it better for me? How can I make this experience come from a place of love, to foster love, instead of fear? From the surgery to the dailiness of it all...

I've also been thinking about being present again. What is here, now? When I started feeling better, I started to think about getting this and that done. What I could be doing, or should be doing. Maybe, just maybe what I need right now, in order to heal, is to continue being present, and stop worrying about how the house looks, what I should declutter, etc. Maybe, I should focus on how I can best heal and honor my body.

I remember that life is a balance between what we can control and what we can’t. I’m learning to live between effort and surrender.

 

 So am I, Dani. So am I.

Interesting and inspiting tidbit...

Came across this inspiring article today:
 
Seven Simple Steps For Enhancing Your Health Through Self-Care:  http://www.hungryforchange.tv/the-power-of-love

Ah... Ralph Marston has a fly on my wall again...

I love to read this daily. Many times (more than I care to admit), what he's written has directly applied to my life. Today is no different:


Living your purpose

The way to have a full and happy life is to live it every chance you get. The way to get beyond the excuses is to stop believing them and to start living your purpose.
Decide to see the obstacles as steps along the path rather than blockades. Let the challenges strengthen you, and let the disappointments inspire you to push more purposefully forward.
Whatever the objective, whatever the dream, there is always a way. You can find it and you can live it by thinking and acting from the perspective of purpose.

Read more: http://greatday.com/motivate/120823.html#ixzz24QEcXPaK

And now I wait...

Today I had my second MRI. I'm hoping insurance will cover it. I've decided that I'm not going to worry about the cost, because it will be another month or so before we have to face it. I hope.

I have to admit, that for me, there is something extremely centering about getting an MRI. Maybe it's the cocoon-like environment. Maybe it's all the clicking. I found myself comfortable, under a warm blanket, breathing deeply, while someone else had to focus on me for what turned out to be 45 minutes. It became a sacred meditation where the words peace, joy, hope, and love kept popping up. I repeated them over and over (in my mind, not out loud), and I found myself filled with a sense of peace. 

There is the very real possibility that I might be facing surgery. And I've made peace with that. Actually, I've decided that if I do have to go through surgery, I'm going to turn it into a spiritual experience complete with an affirmation they can tell me before I go under, and a reflexology session or some other special way to help me heal for after.

Now that I've been forced to face my fear, if this is the plan... I'm going to make the most of it - and before and after.

Perhaps, just maybe, that is where this journey is bringing me, to being able to see my life and those in it as something sacred. And once I've experienced that, perhaps, just perhaps, it will help me to encourage others to find this in their own lives and remind me to continually celebrate it in my own life.

Sometimes life has other plans

Today, I found out that I have an MRI appointment tomorrow. I also talked to a friend who pointed out that I needed to get real about the classes I am signed up to teach this year. The more I look at the big picture, the more I realize I might have to say no. Which really bugs me.

I don't know if I'll need surgery or not. But I'm mentally preparing for it, seeking out a positive mindset.

Time to make an appointment with the neurosurgeon (10 weeks)

Well, today I put up a good fight. I tried reflexology, and we thought we kicked it. But when I woke up and went to the chiro, it was really bad. To the point that my skin was red and hot to the touch from the inflammation.

I told him to make the appointment with the neurosurgeon. I'm feeling a plethora of emotions... I'm terrified of getting surgery. I really do not want to end up in the ER on my daughter's birthday. And I'm doing my best to process all of this.

Struggling to keep my spirits up

After feeling so much better, and now dealing with pain again (still not as bad as it was, but not so good either), I'm in a bit of a funk. Rather, it's hard to feel hopeful.

But, after a long chat with my mom, I realize that it's time to get more information and reevaluate my options.

Guess we'll see where it all leads from here.

It's personal.

After a tough week, we come to today. Early this morning I woke up having a mini-panic attack because I was in a lot of pain. My sweet husband consoled me, and helped me to fall back to sleep. 

When I woke up, I was angry. I have come so freakin' far, and I refuse to go back. There was a spark and spunk to me. I wanted to fight for this. I refused to go back.

I managed to forgo ibuprofen today until I saw the chiropractor.  He took a few more xrays to see where I stand. The good news is - my hips are okay! Actually, better than the first xray he took.

The bad news is that the nerve is agitated again. Which means it's the disc. While in traction today, he declared to me, "You do realize that now this is personal. I will help you beat this." Which is what I wanted to hear.

I've upped the anti and I'm calling in reinforcements. Monday, I'm going to try a little something to see if it works. Until then, I'm resting and I will put forth my all to get through this.

:(

I'm pretty sure that I re-agitated the nerve this past weekend. I've spent the last two days back on pain meds, to help with any inflammation. I'm not so sure that it's my hip, but then, I guess I won't until tomorrow's x-rays.

Meantime, seems today is one of those busy days for me. Guess I need to fit rest in there too. Hmmm...

"Every day's a good day when you paint"

Even if you don't paint... this can be inspiring... So you might be wondering, why did she post this? What does it have to do with her back?

It makes me smile. It reminds me of my grandmother and my uncle - both who learned from him and watched his show. Plus, it's just inspiring.

One Step Back with a Swollen Bursa? (Week 9)

On Saturday, I tested my luck by going to the store. Mind you, I've been warned to not walk on concrete, which the floor of the store is made of, but I felt okay, and needed to get out. Instead of forcing myself to sit, I didn't. Saturday night, I felt sore.

Sunday morning, I woke up sore. I took it easy, and then I ventured out to book club. It was my first car ride that was over 10 minutes (I think it was about a half hour or so). And then I sat still for 2 hours. When I got up from the chair, I felt that pinch of pain. (Did I mention the mini coughing fit?)

I was not a happy camper, and attempted not to berate myself for being so foolish. The good news is, the numbness in my toes is practically gone.

Today it was a little better. I did manage to go for a walk because it felt okay. And, I knew I had an appointment this evening. During the appointment, he noted (for the second time) that my bursa in my hip was tender. He wants to do more xrays to check my hip and make sure there isn't a misalignment there.


Hmm... seems that I'm presenting him with yet another puzzle to solve... I'm not sure this is a good thing. I really, really want to get back to moving.  *Sigh*

Appreciation (aka ways to support someone going through a long term healing process)

The other day I had a discussion with a friend of mine who is recuperating from heart surgery. (She's on her own healing journey, and healing up wonderfully.) We realized that though we would never willingly choose to be in this position, we have been thoroughly amazed by the kindness and generosity of our friends and family during this time.


This led me to thinking about what a person can do for others who are in long term recuperation, or dealing with a disabling illness (from having a baby, to recovering from surgery, dealing with cancer, etc.) I know that before all of this, I wasn't sure what I could offer someone going through something so intense. Now that I've gone through it, I have a whole new perspective of how to treat others going through similar situations.


~ Offer to help where you can.~

Because chances are - we won't or don't want to ask. One of the things that has driven my friend and me crazy, is how we are forced to depend on others to help us, and how much we dislike being in this position. We've had a few people comment about how nice it must be to have people wait on us and do things for us. Actually, we'd trade spaces with you in a heart beat.


I have realized, that I don't like to be waited on. I don't like feeling as though I'm a burden. I don't like having to call and ask people to come and help me out with the kids.

It's really, really freakin' hard for us to ask for others to help us. Especially when we know they have other things to do or lead busy lives. I can also tell you, that we especially appreciate those who have super-busy lives who make time to help us and to check in.

Since I've been injured, I have gladly appreciated help cleaning, doing laundry, and help with the projects around the house. Otherwise it falls on hubby to carry the load. Now that I'm feeling better, I can do a few things to help out, but any lifting is off limits - which means laundry. (And ironically, I miss being able to do that the most!)

~ Check in. ~

Please check in to see how we are doing. A phone call, a card, an email or electronic message makes a difference. A simple sentence telling us that you are thinking about us... can make our day. It is especially helpful when you ask us what we need. Granted, there's a good chance we'll tell you we're okay, but on those occasions when we need something from the store (both my friend and I can't drive for a while), it's appreciated.

Not to mention, it's just nice to connect with people.

~ Meals mean more than you know.~

My friend told me how grateful she was to have people sign up to bring her meals until August. She also got a lot of gift cards to restaurants. We were blessed to have a friend rally our other friends together and prepare meals that our family could eat. All four in our little family happen to have a food allergy or intolerance of some sort... so it meant SO much to have our friend coordinate ingredients and prepare recipes that all of us could eat. Not to mention, we got to try a few new foods. Yum!

As my hubby already does most of the cooking, this gave him a break. The first weekend we ate pizza for 3 days as we dealt with me being out of commission and the heartbreak of missing our vacation. And for me, I was overwhelmed with the generosity. It meant so much.

Even now, when we get the occasional offers of food - it makes a difference because it's one less thing my husband needs to worry about.

~ Just being there, can make all the difference.~

When my friend was in the hospital, she was touched by the friends who visited her there. Some  visited every day. It really meant a lot to her having people check in and visit with her.

I know that for me, sometimes just having someone here to talk to and chat with kept me from sinking into a hopeless void of despair. Even if we were on computers in different rooms, having someone around to help if need be, meant something. 



Having people stay here to help out, enabled me to really connect and have deep conversations that I otherwise wouldn't get to have, and which really made a difference. Many times I couldn't think of things to do or things that I needed, and then I realized it was just having someone to talk to, to be there, that really made an impact on my mood..

~~~~

A great big grand THANK YOU to those of you who've helped clean my home (I don't think it's ever been so clean as that first week when friends swarmed in to help. It freakin' sparkled!), who brought or made or contributed food, who've visited and sat and chatted with me, who've checked in, who've offered to help, who've done energy work... and more. I hope that your karma is well rewarded!!!

Tough Week

So maybe going for a walk after he worked on me on Monday was not a good idea. I've been so sore all week. (Could also be the 3 sneezes that agitated it as well... thankfully they were small ones, but still, I'll need to report them.)

I did do a few of the exercises that he okayed as well. Sometimes movement makes me feel better. We shall see. Today, I'll have help here if I need it.  Yesterday, I didn't, and that made things interested with my little one having a few potty training accidents. Oh my...

I'm feeling better today, so I'm going to take that as a good sign. I've decided that I need to move at least 1000-1500 steps a day.

We shall see how it goes...

Inspiration, Hope, Not giving up

This morning, I was feeling really down on myself. And then I watched this and got inspired. Step-by-step. I need to heal myself first, and then I can build up. Or, like I recently found out, I can start to slow work on myself while I'm healing. Baby steps. That's where I'm at. I might feel down at times, but I'm not out. I'm not giving up yet.

Giddy. Excited. On Track. (Week 8)

I went to see my chiropractor today. I was concerned this weekend because I was feeling so bad that I might have taken 2 steps back. However this morning I woke up feeling pretty good, and not in a lot of pain. Yay!  It turns out, I'm right where I should be. The disc is still not healed - if I turn certain ways, I feel it for sure. However, my range of movement has certainly improved.

The best part? I've been cleared to do minor exercises!!!! There are specific restrictions: no more than a set of 10 at one time, not all at once, and if I feel any pain at all, I am to stop immediately. (Make note, that each situation is different for each person, so if you happen to have a herniated disc confer with your doctor or chiropractor. These have been specified for me personally - they may not be best for everyone.)

So, allow me to share with you what I can do:

Before I do any of these - hold in the core muscles and keep them tight!!!

- Bend forward - slowly - as far as I can. Use a chair if need be.
- Bend backward - slowly.
- Bend to the right and left side - slowly.
- Twist to the right and left side - slowly.
- Knee lifts.
- Side leg lifts while standing.
- Lift legs back (this I need to be careful of because I do hurt when I reach a certain point)

Using 1-5 pound weights (obviously I'm starting with the lower end) and standing straight (no bending) moving VERY slow:
- Bicep curls (Squee!!!)
- Tricep curls (I need to keep them close to my sides and stand straight.)
- Shoulder press

I am not allowed to do this all at once. (No 20 minute work outs.) So I can do legs one day, and arms the next. I must remember, step-by-step. SLOW. 

And he wants me to walk as much as possible. I've been averaging 1500- 2000 steps the last week. Today, I actually walked outside about a half of the neighborhood, and it felt awesome.

My goals to build up to for next week: 2500-3000 steps average and maybe even work up to one time around the neighborhood.

Walking that thin line

I woke up this morning in a lot of pain, and I admit to using ibuprofen and arnica gel the last two days. I'm not sure if it's from the adjustment, cleaning out my closet on Saturday (I didn't do it on my own and I swear I took it easy!), or what. As my hubby likes to point out, there are always too many variables.

The last two days I've been worried. Am I taking 2 steps back? Is this part of the progress? I'll know when I talk to him this week.

I've also known two friends in the last month who have had back surgery on discs. And one who broke his vertebrae falling off a roof. It's kind of crazy when you think of it. And there are moments when I wonder, should I do surgery? No. I don't want to do surgery unless I have no other choice.

Today we got the insurance statements. *Sigh* They only cover 12 chiropractic visits, and 75 physical therapy visits. Which means, we're going to be owing a bit. At least they covered 2/3s of the MRI cost.

For a moment I had to stop and wonder if resigning from my job was a wise choice in regards for finances. Hubby is a bit stressed about what's to come. Fact is that I still wouldn't be back to work if I had stayed. I don't know what the future will bring. What I do know... is that I have this feeling that everything is going to be alright. I don't know why, nor how, and maybe I'm just living in some happy bubble (please don't bust it!).

My main priority is getting well... which means staying present. And that's what I'm trying to do.

A fine line...

Last night and this morning were tough ones. I went to bed and woke up in pain. I could've taken pain meds, but since I'm seeing the chiropractor today, I wanted to avoid them if I could stand it. I think I over did it yesterday because I was feeling well.

Oh the fine line that I am walking, balancing on, at times! So frustrating...

It's time to remember to slow down again. Even though I'm feeling better, I need to remember that it's not wise to just dive in.

On My Own ( Week 7)

Yesterday was the first full day since June 13th that I was on my own without someone here to help. I have been feeling good enough to tackle more things. On Friday, my friend helped me to organize and go through my kiddos clothes. I wanted to get it done so that my hubby, who wanted to do it, didn't have to do it. He's been doing enough as of late, and run into the ground because of it. I was also able to clean off the sinks in the bathroom.

Silly little things, I know. And many of you might laugh at me when I tell you how excited I am when I get the all clear to do laundry, or drive again. But for now, I still need to be patient. As my chiropractor said, "You can balance on that tight rope, and try standing on one foot as long as you are comfortable. Just don't fall off or it's back to square one."

I am grateful for the pain that reminds me to be careful. Yesterday, after being tweaked and twisted, and able to bend pretty far back (Whoo hoo!!!), we discussed where I was in treatment. He explained that outside of the disc (annulus) has layers to it, like an onion, that keeps the inner nucleus pulposus inside. Mine has ruptured, to the point where a particle has leaked out. Will the particle be reabsorbed? We don't know. It might, or it might be a floater in my spinal column.

"As the disc continues to degenerate, or with continued stress on the spine, the inner nucleus pulposus may actually rupture out from the annulus. This is considered a ruptured, or herniated, disc. The fragments of disc material can then press on the nerve roots that are located just behind the disc space. This can cause pain, weakness, numbness, or changes in sensation."


So, where do I stand, and what does this mean? It means that once his adjustments help the nucleus material to settle in, and the layers of the annulus (think onion) heal closed, I should be able to sneeze and cough without fear of going back to square 1. Until then, I admit that I'm a little nervous and treating myself as though I'm fragile. I'm also doing a ton of visualization involving those layers healing with no to minimum scar tissue.

Since getting another MRI is out of the question, unless I have another injury (no thank you) or a ton of money, we have to go by how I feel, and what he can tell based from various tests. The difference between me and crippling, incapacitating pain could be less then a milometer. How's that for a reality check?

Yesterday, he was able to try a few more tests since I was finally able to lay straight on my back without severe pain. He discovered that it's still bulging a bit (but hopefully all the material has been reabsorbed - fingers crossed). I am able to move more, to walk and stand up straight, but a fast move, or a twist in the wrong direction, will provide me with a swift and painful reminder to slow down, and be careful. It's still there.

So what am I cleared to do? He told me to walk as much as I can - but not on concrete nor uneven surfaces. Black top is best, and I'm to be very careful on inclines. I started off barely walking 250 steps a day (according to my pedometer). About two weeks ago, I averaged between 500-800. This past week, I've average 1500. (Yesterday I took over 2500.)

I need to keep active, and work those muscles to prevent chronic pain. I asked how long before I could lift weights: 3-4 months. *Sigh* I was not happy to hear that. At the same time, another reality check to take it easy. One step at a time, as opposed to the way I usually jump in. I suppose it's a good thing that I keep getting this reminder throughout this journey, eh?

I want to continue to improve, to get better. And if that means I can walk, I'm going to do my best to continue to improve, or average where I am. This also means, it's time to be serious about what I eat (oh how that is a challenge in that food has been a comfort for me on many levels). Nothing like an injury to force you into a lifestyle change you couldn't do on your own before hand.

Bend over backwards? Not yet.

I was a little concerned today. The last few days I've been in a bit more pain than usual. I've been feeling tender, and needing to take the occasional ibuprofen. So, I was a bit worried that I might've done a two steps forward, one step back deal.

I walked into the appointment upright. I didn't need to park in the handicap space, although I did make hubby park in the closest spot. I realized that I'm not as tired. I'm standing longer, and during the day, I caught myself subconsciously crossing my legs. I noticed that I got on the table without a problem.

After the ever more aggressive traction/flexion (I forget the proper name for it), I got off the table, felt a twinge, breathed through it and stood. I used to have to sit down as quickly as possible. And then, I turned, and bent backwards, slowly. There was no twinge. I turned to the right and to the left, and... no twinge.

I proceeded to stand and chat. I told him how I was longing to exercise, do pushups, jump lunges, burpees... and he said that if I keep down this road, I'll build my strength back, and eventually be able to do those things again. Then he hooked me up to the Estim, and I walked to the waiting room, and onto the car - without having to sit and rest.

I'm still under major restrictions. But I've been told to get up and walk around (not around the block), but not to sit all day. To get up and move.

I'm smiling as I type this, because today, was awesome.

Life Changes

When a major injury occurs, especially a back injury, there is a chance it might be life changing. If the person can't move, their entire life is affected on many levels. Some people heal quickly, and go back to where they were before. Others can be profoundly affected, on a physical and spiritual level. Our family has faced many changes, some of which will carry over into "life after the injury".

Before my injury, my husband opted to shave his head. Mind you, over the last 11 years, he has chosen to grow his hair, and then donate it to Locks of Love. Over the last year, he was able to cut 10 more inches to donate. It was his last donation.

He declared that this was this start of his transformation, and a familial one. I don't think that he expected our lives to transform so much over the last month and a half. For one thing, since I can't do anything, he's been carrying the load. We've also been blessed to have people offer help in terms of meals, taking shifts at the house, and more. We discovered that we have an amazing support group here.

 My children have become more independent. My youngest, Da Squeak, suddenly decided it was time to use the potty. She went from being afraid of baths, to wanting one all the time now. She wants to do more things on her own. My eldest is learning to help carry the load, literally because if we go some place, she needs to help carry things. She's also learning to take initiative with her schooling, and makes some of her own meals.

As for me, my whole life has been shaken up. My exercise routine, when I'm able to reestablish one, will start over and be limited. I've resigned from my job. I've discovered my life's passion. I am more aware than ever how important slowing down, being aware, and taking my time is, and I hope that I carry this caution with me after I heal.

Aside from the gifts I've discovered, our family has been through an amazing transformation on many levels. Perhaps this can be considered more gifts. Either way, it's enhanced our journey and strengthened us as a family.

Riding the Roller Coaster

I've been warned that there will be days that I'm feeling really good, and days where I'm not feeling so excellent. This weekend was a prime example.

Today, I was finally able to hang with friends and stand in the hub-bub of conversation. It was wonderful. I stood until I needed to sit. I talked and laughed and hugged. I was blessed with love and laughter. I got up, walked around, was made to sit down...

It was just wonderful.

I have missed this a lot.

I'm not sure how I will feel tomorrow. I think I'm going to pop some ibuprofen just in case there is inflammation from today's activities.

I need to be more careful... (Week 6)

Today and yesterday were all too close reminders of just how careful I need to be. One wrong move, or over doing it, can set me back pain wise, or worse. And it gets harder the better I feel because I long to do more...

However, today, not only was I able to stand up straight, but bend back a bit.

Taking the path less traveled...

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

 - Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken

Oh, what a whirlwind of emotions this weekend! On Friday, after much thought, I decided to resign from my job of the last 10 and a half years. (Mind you, I was a contractor, so if I can't work, which I haven't been while healing, I don't get paid.)

I do not have a back up plan; it was a complete leap of faith. 
 
Logically, one would think that I should have stayed on to help cover treatment, saved up money, done more preparation, etc. However, I knew that it was time to let go. Call it a "gut" feeling if you will. All I knew, is that it was an overwhelming urge to let go and move on. So, I took a deep breathe and did it.

I was nervous about hurting the feelings of my bosses, as they are friends. I'm a nervous about finances, and how this will all work out. I'm definitely going to need to revamp the budget and spend carefully. And yet, despite that, there is a part of me that knows I've made the right choice.

I'm already used to not knowing how things will end up, and taking things step-by-step as I work through the healing (today's a toughie). So in a way it's fitting that this is part of my path at the moment, don't you think? Thus, now that I'm on the path, I suppose it's time to enjoy it.

Today's Muscial Inspiration

(I love how this song can apply to multiple situations... )

"I’m fine (and nothing’s gonna knock this girl down)
I’m hella positive for real
I’m all good, no
I’m fine (and nothing’s gonna knock this girl down)
It’s kind of complicated thats for sure

But you can see it in my eyes
You can read it on my lips
I’m trying to get a hold on this
And I really mean it this time
And you know it’s such a trip
Don’t get me started
I’m trying to get a hold on this" 

- No Doubt, Settle Down

Letting Go

One of the challenges during this time, has been having to let go of a few things. July was the month of activity for us, rather it was supposed to be. Filled with swimming lessons, summer camps, festivals and more.

Instead, we had to make decisions and get real about what was really possible. Swimming lessons were off, because hubby is dealing with a new project at work, and by the time he gets home, he is exhausted. I am limited in movement, couldn't take the heat, but more importantly can not drive nor walk far (which nulled any festivals we wanted to attend). So, we opted to forgo them this year. We felt relieved when we made the decision; however, it's still hard when we hear who went and how great they were. Hopefully, next year we'll be able to make them. We shall see.

I was hoping that my youngest would be able to do her summer camp. It was supposed to be a time of transition for her, over an hour a day for 5 days of a program where she would go without mommy to prep her for the fall, as it was during the day, and I can't drive. We had to cancel that because it is just not possible to work out.

As a mom, I'm carrying a sense of guilt here for not doing more and calling it quits. It can be argued that perhaps I could've worked harder to make it work, or even called in the troops. (Mind you, I've been calling in troops over the last month, thus it's feeling like a burden now.) However, in many ways, it's been a relief to just say no. Not to mention the money we will be saving (that I can apply to chiropractic appointments).

Last night, in a discussion with my eldest, she admitted to me that she enjoys slow, laid back summers over busy, hectic, jam-packed summers. Even though I'm injured, she told me that it's been nice to stay home and have PJ days like we used to. She enjoys her friends, but she values the slowness. Perhaps that too is a lesson...

Smiling...

Today, after my chiropractic appointment, I was almost standing straight - without severe pain. I smiled, he smiled, and I was able to walk to the car with my head held high.

Mind you, I'm not out of the woods yet. It's as though I am walking on a tightrope. I can continue to improve, or regress. Tomorrow, I'll likely feel the work and manipulation he did today.

So I must be careful, and tread carefully, moving slowly. I still have major restrictions (no lifting, no driving, no sudden movements, no sneezing or coughing).  I still am limited in movement. I still feel pain if I twist the wrong way or reach too high, or don't sit right. I use meditation and breathing exercises to manage it now.

So today, I am smiling. There is definitely progress. And that, is very good news indeed.

Things I miss being able to do...

* Exercise
* Walking for long periods
* Sleeping on my side
* Being able to move in any direction that I want
* Feeling normal, healthy and strong
* Being able to sit on the floor and play with my kids
* Having more energy
* Walking standing completely upright
* Hug people normally

Meditation

What do you do when you physically can't exercise a lot, you've been munching on chocolate (and your hubby keeps getting it) because it helps your mood, and you eat whenever you need comfort? I asked myself that yesterday as I've been feeling the weight gain as a result.

Whenever I notice or think about it, I find myself tumbling into a dark cloud of hopelessness. Everything I had worked so hard for in muscle tone and strength over the last few years appears to be fading. It's disheartening, especially now, because I can't do those exercises, and when I can exercise again, I have to start from square one.

It's been one of the struggles I've been dealing with, aside from the fact that I don't remember what it feels like to stand up straight and feel strong.

The last few days, I've started meditation. I focus on breathing, and I visualize myself as healthy. I figure that it will at least calm me down, and help me to feel peaceful and centered (hopefully). And since I can't exercise my body, perhaps I can imagine exercising in my mind, and see where it leads. Who knows, maybe it will let me make peace with my body too?

This sums up my life right now

This morning's food for thought...

* Both pictures from: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Unconditional-Love/262842176246

Dealing with Sciatic Pain

I've been trying to think of how to describe the pain that I've been in. Sciatic pain starts in the hip, and as the nerve gets inflamed, it shoots down the leg, sometimes leaving a side of your foot numb. In my case, mine started with feeling like I had a sore groin, into a sore hip. The next day it was shooting down my outer thigh, into my outer calf down to my big toe and the two beside it. The toes eventually started to feel funky, as though they were asleep. They still feel funky, and I've been told that is the last thing to regain sensation.

I've been thinking of how to describe the pain. It shoots down the leg, but at its worst, it felt as though someone or thing was scraping the nerve all the way down. It made me nauseous and caused my muscles to twitch at times. It was so intense that my eyes would tear up. Words like radiating are used in its description. Finding a position that felt good was really hard. Walking hurt. I couldn't stand up straight (so I hobbled like an old woman).

Sitting was more comfortable for me than laying down, which was confusing because most people with a herniated disc have to lay down, as sitting is excruciating.  Apparently I'm an anomaly. Not really what I want to be hearing, though I have to admit I'm not surprised. (I've been told that before.)

Even though a particle of the disc is pushing on my nerve, the pain is mostly felt in the leg. When I got my MRI, the disc was bulging to the left, yet my symptoms were on the right. It was also clear that the disc was damaged (no filler in it). I had nerve symptoms, but at first glance, it was hard to see anything pushing against the nerve. The radiologist noted that there was a small particle (barely noticeable) pushing against the nerve. It's this little, barely visible, bugger that's been the cause of all this. (And I'm really, really hoping that my body will reabsorb the little bugger. Because if it doesn't, then my path will shift again.)

There are many ways one can deal with the pain- steroid injections, oral steroids, muscle relaxers, ibuprofen, pan killers, and surgery. At the same time I was suffering from my herniated disc, a friend of mine emailed me that she too was dealing with it. She opted for surgery, so it will be interesting to compare our progress down the road. (For the record, surgery will relieve the pain immediately; however, one needs to be aware of scar tissue and possible surgeries down the road.) I did not opt for surgery, as it's an option I'm not comfortable with, nor do I know how I'd deal with the anesthetic.

Another person I know only did muscle relaxers, and another friend has had wonderful success with epidural steroid injections. For me, personally, I opted to go the route of ibuprofen (800 mg 3 times per day), muscle relaxers, and tramadol for when it got really bad. I'm happy to report that I was able to wean myself down to regular ibuprofen (between 400-800 mgs per day) and Arnica. I have found Arnica to be incredible for helping with the inflammation of the nerve.

I have also found that breathing into the pain, and at times focusing on it helped me to get through it. It also helps me to get on and off the examination table to traction, and in and out of cars. Before I move, I take a deep breathe in, let it out, and do it again and again if I need to.

I must admit, that dealing with this pain, learning how to breathe into it and let myself feel it - has been a gift. Yes, there have been quite a few gifts from this... but that is for another post.

Excited... (Week 5)

That's how I feel today. Tomorrow will be the determining factor, mind you. - the day after traction. But today, today I walked in almost straight. Today, I managed my pain by being very careful how I move and sit, deep breathing, stretching, and meditation. Today, I was able to shower without having to sit down and feeling completely wiped out after. It's still there - but I can manage it on my own. Today, I felt SO close.

And what made my day? Having my chiro tell me that he was excited at the progress I'm making.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can do this. I feel like my body has shifted, decided that it's going to do this.

Hidden Gifts from a Herniated Disc

The first week, I found myself wallowing in self-pity and depression. I couldn't move without pain. We had to cancel a vacation with friends. My husband spent his birthday and father's day caring for me and the two kids were in rare form as they knew Mommy was injured. I still remember him returning from the store, holding a mini-cheesecake, announcing that it was his birthday present.

I wanted to be placed in a dark hole, curl up in a ball (comfortably, mind you), and just sleep until I was better. I didn't want to deal with things. I was having a really hard time dealing with my limitations. I hated asking for help because I couldn't do anything. I was so sad and upset. And I realized, I need to find something, anything, to help get me through this.

So I took a deep breath, and took a good look around me.


I immediately became aware of the support that I received via emails asking how I was doing and telling me to "hang in there" and via friends who organized themselves to help me clean my house, do laundry, bring meals, and help me out with the kids during the day. It was hard to get lost in the sadness of feel bad when friends rushed in to help catch me. It has meant the world, and even though I want to focus completely on my healing, I still find myself wondering how exactly I can thank them.

One of the most powerful gifts, have been those people who've taken the time to be with me and connect with me. It took me a while to realize, but when I did, I couldn't help but feel grateful for the experience. It's been several weeks, and I've been blessed to spend time with and really get to talk and connect with some amazing people who I didn't know all that well before this. The sense of a deeper connection has helped me to feel fulfilled during this.

As I never know how my days will be, or how I will feel one moment to the next, I am rather stuck in the present moment. I can't make plans in advance, because I don't know how I will feel moment-to-moment. I tend to get tired super easily and depending on how I sleep, can affect everything too. And there is a gift in not having to worry about what to plan, or where to go. I have to slow down, take my time.

It is this slowness that I've been enjoying, as just a few months ago, we were speeding along and feeling the effects of moving fast and not taking time to pause. Being forced to stay at home, and not being able to do much on my end, I've had time to read. I am so aware of the kids and how they feel when I hug them. The scent of their shampoo, the feel of their hands in mine, the way my youngest must be near me. It's nice. It's a gift I want to keep with me.

Since I'm not exercising and can't move, I have more time. More time to think, to write this blog, to snuggle, to sit and not move, to rest. I'm still trying to figure out how to make the most of this time as I can do some reading, some typing, etc. but there are days when even that is challenging. Thus, I'm still working on making the most of this gift.

I am getting really good at pain management through deep breathing. As I've been in a lot of pain, I've had plenty of opportunities to manage it. When getting on and off the chiropractic examination table, I've found that moving slowly and pausing to breathe helps get me through those uncomfortable situations.

I joke that I will master the arts of patience, acceptance, and letting go, as I've had to apply all three during this situation. Mind you, learning these arts has not been fun - at all. In the long run though, I'm sure that these will be gifts. Really. 

Almost forgot, that my children are becoming more independent from this, and their creativity is flowing. The eldest has been helping the youngest (who opted to potty train this week), making her own food, and learning how to compromise. The girls have been entertaining themselves, playing games and creating amazing stories. The youngest has also been snuggling me nonstop, which has been wonderful.

And of course, as my husband tells you, think of this as getting a chance to start over. Because I will have to start over with exercising and retraining my muscles, among other things. I can use this to give myself a fresh start (as long as I don't focus on how far I was before all of this).

Wondering what a herniated disc is?

Here's a great slideshow with explanation:

http://www.spineuniverse.com/conditions/herniated-disc/herniated-disc-slideshow

Feeling a Bit Insecure

This morning I woke up in pain, a little more than yesterday. I'd like to think it's because my youngest decided to make use of her potty chair Monday, and has been using it (with a few exceptions) throughout the week. Yesterday, she opted to wear underwear - no diaper (though I did put one on while she was napping over the underwear). Thank goodness my mom is here helping me, because emptying, cleaning up - let's just say it's a lot more work than changing a diaper. I had more movement yesterday then I have in a long time. (Not necessarily a good thing.)

I didn't want to wake my husband (he's barely getting enough rest as it is), so I eased myself out of bed to the kitchen so I could eat something to take some pain meds and apply some ice. Now I sit here in the quiet morning, documenting my thoughts and listening to the song of birds.

It's strange to not really be able to plan ahead. Not knowing what the next day will bring, how I will feel. Sometimes I feel so fragile, because there are no guarantees or sure fire solutions. My body will hopefully reabsorb the particle pushing on the nerve. I hopefully won't sneeze or cough (which puts me back to the beginning).

Yesterday it's been a month since this happened. I admit that I'm more in the present moment then ever, because I have no clue what is going to happen. In some ways, it's freeing. In others, frustrating. I want more progress, things to happen faster. At the same time, there is a gift in a slow recovery in that I am forced to be patient, to accept where I am on a daily basis.

I desire a guarantee that I'm going to heal from this, be pain free, and grow stronger. Fact is, I have no idea how this will all play out. So I work on letting go... going with the flow, being present,  breathing deeply, and rely on little things to help my mood.

Two steps forward, one step back.

One of the things that has made this injury so challenging, is that I'll have a day or two of feeling better (not needing ibuprofen), and then I have traction. When it was the straight traction (think of it along the lines of a padded massage table that works like a rack in that it separates and stretches the body), it wasn't so bad the next day. Yesterday, however, he did some stretching and manipulations  that I was all too aware of this morning.

I am happy to report that the feeling in my toes has improved. I'm standing up straighter. Still need to rest and get tired easy, but I'm aware of the progress. Now, I just need to make sure that I don't sneeze or cough.

Reason #323 Why I Adore My Chiropractor

I had another traction session today with my chiropractor. Though progress is slow, as he said, "You are progressing along just as I expected." Today and yesterday, though still in pain, it's to the point where I've not taken ibuprofen since Tuesday. I have taken Arnica 30c. Originally, I used the gel.  Arnica  helps the inflammation as well as Nordic fish oil. On a level of 1 to 10 (10 being excruciating - don't you dare touch or move me - please pass another Tramadol), I'd venture to say I'm about a 5-6 today.

The first time I met him, I liked him. (And it wasn't because he was very nice looking.) He made eye contact, thoroughly explained everything, and told me right off the bat, "This is what I can do... If we get to a point where I think I can't do anything else, I'll refer you to someone else. If at anytime you aren't comfortable with me, please seek another opinion."

Throughout this entire process he has been up front and honest, and very clear with all of my options - from traction to medications to surgery. He has been a strong pillar of support (whether it be helping me onto the table, talking about how I tend to stress out and what I can do about it, to cheering me on when I've wanted to give up, and then some). The entire time I've been his patient, he reaffirms that it's my choice, and he's done everything in his power to help ease my pain. He did everything to try and get me on my vacation, and was upset with us when we all realized that it wasn't going to happen. He took the time to explain everything to my hubby, including showing us the MRI. He called me on a Saturday night, after returning from an overnight trip to give me the results of my MRI.

Next week, he's upping the anti with traction in doing more manipulations. Today, while in traction, I could feel the feeling in my foot lighten up. (It used to feel like pins and needles, as though it were asleep. Now, it feel tight, as though it was swollen - which it is not.) I was able to move a bit more. Today, I felt hope. It's still a long road, each day another step down it.

Imagine Dragons

Today, thanks to a friend on Facebook, I was blessed to come across this quote:

"This is how I WANT to feel today, so this is how I WILL feel today.

Damnit."

followed by this video:

Today I discovered the group, Imagine Dragons. I'm loving their music. And I love how this songs makes me feel... as though I'm "on top of the world" instead of immobile on a couch.

Fitting song

This song just seemed rather appropriate as I'm taking things day by day, one step at a time. In many ways I'm starting over as well...

Post traumatic growth? Today's Inspiration (Week 4)

I woke up this morning to discover a dear friend has posted this on her Facebook account this morning:

It's a great video. It's especially great if you are dealing with pain, or situations that have left you feeling hopeless, frustrated, wanting to just give up. I know, because I've been dealing with all of these situations over the last few weeks.

Jane has given me a lot of food for thought. What would I call my personal game? Who would my secret identity be? Who would my allies be? What am I battling? What are my power ups? (Anything I can do to help me feel a little bit good.) I am inspired to think about what this means to me. Alas, I do not have an iphone, so I'm not sure how I can get her SuperBetter application, so I might just create something more personalized for me.

In this video, she mentions how traumatic situations can help us to grow. And I have to admit, that despite the pain, the moodiness, I am indeed growing from this on some level.

In the beginning...

On June 13, 2012 I woke up with severe sciatica. By June 14th, I couldn't walk without assistance. I had to borrow a wheel chair to get to my MRI and to go to the doctor to get pain meds and muscle relaxers. Mind you, we were scheduled to leave for vacation on June 15th.

Vacation did not happen. In the course of a few days, life as I knew it changed as I found myself incapacitated by pain that was so bad, I wanted to be placed in a dark hole and not move again. (Mind you, I'm familiar with pain. I birthed two kiddos without medication or epidurals.)

During this process I've had to deal with intense pain. I've had to rely on others for help. I've had to be still (and that is when you learn just how active the mind really is). I've been humbled. I've struggled to keep a chin up. I've learned to deal with pain.  Our entire family has been affected on multiple levels. This is how it all began.