And now I wait...

Today I had my second MRI. I'm hoping insurance will cover it. I've decided that I'm not going to worry about the cost, because it will be another month or so before we have to face it. I hope.

I have to admit, that for me, there is something extremely centering about getting an MRI. Maybe it's the cocoon-like environment. Maybe it's all the clicking. I found myself comfortable, under a warm blanket, breathing deeply, while someone else had to focus on me for what turned out to be 45 minutes. It became a sacred meditation where the words peace, joy, hope, and love kept popping up. I repeated them over and over (in my mind, not out loud), and I found myself filled with a sense of peace. 

There is the very real possibility that I might be facing surgery. And I've made peace with that. Actually, I've decided that if I do have to go through surgery, I'm going to turn it into a spiritual experience complete with an affirmation they can tell me before I go under, and a reflexology session or some other special way to help me heal for after.

Now that I've been forced to face my fear, if this is the plan... I'm going to make the most of it - and before and after.

Perhaps, just maybe, that is where this journey is bringing me, to being able to see my life and those in it as something sacred. And once I've experienced that, perhaps, just perhaps, it will help me to encourage others to find this in their own lives and remind me to continually celebrate it in my own life.

Meditation

What do you do when you physically can't exercise a lot, you've been munching on chocolate (and your hubby keeps getting it) because it helps your mood, and you eat whenever you need comfort? I asked myself that yesterday as I've been feeling the weight gain as a result.

Whenever I notice or think about it, I find myself tumbling into a dark cloud of hopelessness. Everything I had worked so hard for in muscle tone and strength over the last few years appears to be fading. It's disheartening, especially now, because I can't do those exercises, and when I can exercise again, I have to start from square one.

It's been one of the struggles I've been dealing with, aside from the fact that I don't remember what it feels like to stand up straight and feel strong.

The last few days, I've started meditation. I focus on breathing, and I visualize myself as healthy. I figure that it will at least calm me down, and help me to feel peaceful and centered (hopefully). And since I can't exercise my body, perhaps I can imagine exercising in my mind, and see where it leads. Who knows, maybe it will let me make peace with my body too?