Epiphany (Week 35)

I spent Saturday sitting on the couch watching movies. I had popcorn with hot cocoa for lunch, and I luxuriated in its buttery goodness. Later on, I got out my crocheting, enjoying the delicious texture of the yarn, seconded only by the delightful rainbow colors. I gave myself permission to skip my PT exercises (Shh! Don't tell my therapist!), and to just rest. Oh - it was bliss I tell you. Sheer and utter bliss!

And why is this such an important thing?

Because only a few months ago this was impossible without total and utter pain. I was lucky to be able to sit for 15 minutes, let alone spend all day on the couch.

This whole journey has been filled with lessons, and this morning was no exception. One of the biggest lessons has been that if I don't take care of me (getting enough rest, doing my exercises, eating the foods that nurture me, honoring my need to hibernate and to be social), my back will swiftly remind me that I've been lax. It will hurt and ache, and that's just not a good thing.

I used to be envious of those moms who were Super Women. The ones who can juggle 14 balls in the air while balancing on a ball on one leg. There were times moms like this made me feel inferior, because I just didn't have the energy to push on as they did. I used to feel weak, not good enough, that I "should" be doing more to dive in and help others while getting my kids to a ton of activities and not saying no.

And then I hurt my back, and I realized something. That's not who I am.

I grew up with a mom who is filled with energy, who can do 20 things at once, who can edge a bed and wield a shovel at the age of 70 better than I ever could. She was amazing, and constantly on the go. And I am surrounded by amazing women like this today. And although I admire them, I have realized, even before I injured my back - it's not me.

In July, I resigned from my job of 10 years. There were many reasons for this, but the biggest one was because I wanted to be more present for my children. I wanted to fully be with them, and not thinking or worrying about what I had to do for my job. As a bonus, it's enabled me to bump up the volunteer hours with their homeschooling programs.

But as I've taken on more, I was reminded that I only have so much time to give, and that now, my time is even more precious as my children are young, and growing fast, and frankly, I want to immerse myself in their hugs (while they still want to hug me). I want to savor the games we play together and reading to them. I want to teach them how to honor themselves, and how to trust that what is best for them, might not be best for others.

I am reminded that while some people can go and choose to go full speed, that may not be what is best for me. As my body changes with the physical therapy exercises, I may not look like a fitness instructor, but I'm different than I was last June. I can see the changes here and there, though others can't. I can feel the strength returning and my balance improving. I understand that when I don't get enough sleep, caffeinating myself isn't enough, there's a good chance that I will be in pain as a result, and I need to honor that.

By honoring myself, I can only compare me to me. This last year, I've become more aware of my limits. I really value my time and how I spend it, which I almost forgot, but was reminded of this weekend. And thus, I might need to say no to a few more things, continue to cut back on the computer time, and limit the activities. And that's okay.

And surgeon says... (Week 15)

Yesterday was a beautiful day. I was simultaneously nervous and excited because I was finally (finally!!) meeting with the surgeon. I was prepped with questions about the surgery, and dreamed of getting answers, and the day when I'd finally be back to "normal".

Well, then.

After waiting for 2 hours, to see him for 15 minutes, imagine my surprise when he walked in, radiating calm to tell me he didn't think I needed surgery. I admit it, I was in shock. What? I was happy, because I didn't want the surgery, but then reality hit. So what do I do now?

He suggested a round of oral (not the shot of which there are current issues http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2012/10/05/162402254/meningitis-outbreak-update-list-of-hospitals-released ) steroids followed up with a heavy duty anti-inflammatory. ( Medrol Dose Pack which is an oral steroid, followed by Mobic.)

I'm on the limb about the steroids. I'm giving myself a few days to really think about if I want to do them or not. I admit it - I'm a little scared with my history of medications. Plus, I'm feeling better this week, so are they really necessary or should I just skip to the Mobic? Lots to think about, and I want to make the best decision.

Thankfully, this has been a good week back wise. I've not been in as much pain, and movement has been good.

I admit, that I was hoping for surgery, and for a "quick fix". But when a surgeon recommends against it, maybe he's right. In talking to him, he said that my herniation is a small one and that if there is a loose particle that I should still wait. He gave the impression that surgery cannot be undone, so try all my other options first.

I'm not sure how hubby feels. I know he's fed up and tired with all that he's been doing. Sometimes I think he was hoping the surgery would be the big step needed to get our lives back (I know I had thought that).

So, here we are. Another month of waiting before we meet with the surgeon again. In the meantime, looks as though we really need to make the most of it. (I've called in my mom to come for a week to help out in the meantime.)

I can say one thing. It was incredibly empowering for the surgeon to give it back to me. (I'd pretty much turned it over to him, and he handed it back.)

The journey continues...

Feeling Peaceful. (Week 13)

The surgeon returns to the office on September 20th. When I realized this, I found myself filled with fear. This meant, when he returns, that I might be able to see him before October 5th. Which means surgery was coming up.

I've gone from feeling guilty and frustrated that I couldn't heal it on my own to accepting and considering that perhaps that is where my path is meant to go. I've been paralyzed with fear in the beginning, to facing that fear. I'm still nervous, and yet...

As I lay here and type this, the skies are gray and it's drizzling outside. There's a chill in the air, and my little family is recuperating from colds they started with on Saturday. Our house has been quiet, with an abundance of cuddles and snuggles, sniffles and tea, and all of us lounging around in pjs. It's been an environment of healing with bursts of frustration, and a few aches.

Instead of finding myself frustrated, I am peaceful.

This morning, hubby finally slept in, so I woke up and left him tucked in while I cared and cuddled our youngest. Even managed to get my youngest to help me make soup, so that when he woke up the house smelled of homemade goodness.

He appreciated the scent of soup throughout the house and the hearty lunch. My eldest informed me that it immediately made her feel better.

I don't know where my path is going to lead, or what is going to happen in the next few weeks. What I do know, is that today, this moment, as I lay tucked under the covers and listening to the crickets outside, I am happy. I am peaceful. I am liberated.

Mr. Marston... we really need to talk about the fly on my wall...

So, I've mentioned before that I've been completely terrified of the surgery to the point of panicky attacks leading to more inflammation and pain. The last few days, as I've been accepting surgery, I have realized I feel more calm, perhaps dare I say, courageous about it. I'm facing, or breathing through, my fear so that I can go into surgery with a positive mindset.

And today, I read this:

The power of courage

Fear is an obstacle you impose upon yourself. The power of any fear is the power you choose to give it. 

And just as surely as you choose to fear, you can choose to move beyond that fear. In an instant you can transform the power of fear into the power of courage. 

Read more: http://greatday.com/motivate/120825.html#ixzz24bR4wr00

Definitely read the entire article, because the last part rings truth for me as well.

And now I wait...

Today I had my second MRI. I'm hoping insurance will cover it. I've decided that I'm not going to worry about the cost, because it will be another month or so before we have to face it. I hope.

I have to admit, that for me, there is something extremely centering about getting an MRI. Maybe it's the cocoon-like environment. Maybe it's all the clicking. I found myself comfortable, under a warm blanket, breathing deeply, while someone else had to focus on me for what turned out to be 45 minutes. It became a sacred meditation where the words peace, joy, hope, and love kept popping up. I repeated them over and over (in my mind, not out loud), and I found myself filled with a sense of peace. 

There is the very real possibility that I might be facing surgery. And I've made peace with that. Actually, I've decided that if I do have to go through surgery, I'm going to turn it into a spiritual experience complete with an affirmation they can tell me before I go under, and a reflexology session or some other special way to help me heal for after.

Now that I've been forced to face my fear, if this is the plan... I'm going to make the most of it - and before and after.

Perhaps, just maybe, that is where this journey is bringing me, to being able to see my life and those in it as something sacred. And once I've experienced that, perhaps, just perhaps, it will help me to encourage others to find this in their own lives and remind me to continually celebrate it in my own life.

Sometimes life has other plans

Today, I found out that I have an MRI appointment tomorrow. I also talked to a friend who pointed out that I needed to get real about the classes I am signed up to teach this year. The more I look at the big picture, the more I realize I might have to say no. Which really bugs me.

I don't know if I'll need surgery or not. But I'm mentally preparing for it, seeking out a positive mindset.

:(

I'm pretty sure that I re-agitated the nerve this past weekend. I've spent the last two days back on pain meds, to help with any inflammation. I'm not so sure that it's my hip, but then, I guess I won't until tomorrow's x-rays.

Meantime, seems today is one of those busy days for me. Guess I need to fit rest in there too. Hmmm...

A fine line...

Last night and this morning were tough ones. I went to bed and woke up in pain. I could've taken pain meds, but since I'm seeing the chiropractor today, I wanted to avoid them if I could stand it. I think I over did it yesterday because I was feeling well.

Oh the fine line that I am walking, balancing on, at times! So frustrating...

It's time to remember to slow down again. Even though I'm feeling better, I need to remember that it's not wise to just dive in.

Riding the Roller Coaster

I've been warned that there will be days that I'm feeling really good, and days where I'm not feeling so excellent. This weekend was a prime example.

Today, I was finally able to hang with friends and stand in the hub-bub of conversation. It was wonderful. I stood until I needed to sit. I talked and laughed and hugged. I was blessed with love and laughter. I got up, walked around, was made to sit down...

It was just wonderful.

I have missed this a lot.

I'm not sure how I will feel tomorrow. I think I'm going to pop some ibuprofen just in case there is inflammation from today's activities.

Feeling a Bit Insecure

This morning I woke up in pain, a little more than yesterday. I'd like to think it's because my youngest decided to make use of her potty chair Monday, and has been using it (with a few exceptions) throughout the week. Yesterday, she opted to wear underwear - no diaper (though I did put one on while she was napping over the underwear). Thank goodness my mom is here helping me, because emptying, cleaning up - let's just say it's a lot more work than changing a diaper. I had more movement yesterday then I have in a long time. (Not necessarily a good thing.)

I didn't want to wake my husband (he's barely getting enough rest as it is), so I eased myself out of bed to the kitchen so I could eat something to take some pain meds and apply some ice. Now I sit here in the quiet morning, documenting my thoughts and listening to the song of birds.

It's strange to not really be able to plan ahead. Not knowing what the next day will bring, how I will feel. Sometimes I feel so fragile, because there are no guarantees or sure fire solutions. My body will hopefully reabsorb the particle pushing on the nerve. I hopefully won't sneeze or cough (which puts me back to the beginning).

Yesterday it's been a month since this happened. I admit that I'm more in the present moment then ever, because I have no clue what is going to happen. In some ways, it's freeing. In others, frustrating. I want more progress, things to happen faster. At the same time, there is a gift in a slow recovery in that I am forced to be patient, to accept where I am on a daily basis.

I desire a guarantee that I'm going to heal from this, be pain free, and grow stronger. Fact is, I have no idea how this will all play out. So I work on letting go... going with the flow, being present,  breathing deeply, and rely on little things to help my mood.

Two steps forward, one step back.

One of the things that has made this injury so challenging, is that I'll have a day or two of feeling better (not needing ibuprofen), and then I have traction. When it was the straight traction (think of it along the lines of a padded massage table that works like a rack in that it separates and stretches the body), it wasn't so bad the next day. Yesterday, however, he did some stretching and manipulations  that I was all too aware of this morning.

I am happy to report that the feeling in my toes has improved. I'm standing up straighter. Still need to rest and get tired easy, but I'm aware of the progress. Now, I just need to make sure that I don't sneeze or cough.