The last PT session... (Week 36)

Oh what a bittersweet day it is. I've been seeing my PT since November. His office is one where you feel comfortable, relaxed, and safe. Safe is very important for me.

We've shared laughs, smiles, good news and bad. He has encouraged me to grow in strength, and in the process to learn how strong I really am.

He's taught me how to care for myself, how to listen to my body, how to strengthen my body. And I'm already missing him and the people that work with him. They became like good friends, like a family.

And really... those are all the words I have right now.

To think, that all these steps I've been taking, have lead me here, to this place... a place I wasn't sure I'd even be again.

But that is not the end of my story, only the end of a chapter, and the beginning of a new one. I've still got a few more steps to take, after all...

Epiphany (Week 35)

I spent Saturday sitting on the couch watching movies. I had popcorn with hot cocoa for lunch, and I luxuriated in its buttery goodness. Later on, I got out my crocheting, enjoying the delicious texture of the yarn, seconded only by the delightful rainbow colors. I gave myself permission to skip my PT exercises (Shh! Don't tell my therapist!), and to just rest. Oh - it was bliss I tell you. Sheer and utter bliss!

And why is this such an important thing?

Because only a few months ago this was impossible without total and utter pain. I was lucky to be able to sit for 15 minutes, let alone spend all day on the couch.

This whole journey has been filled with lessons, and this morning was no exception. One of the biggest lessons has been that if I don't take care of me (getting enough rest, doing my exercises, eating the foods that nurture me, honoring my need to hibernate and to be social), my back will swiftly remind me that I've been lax. It will hurt and ache, and that's just not a good thing.

I used to be envious of those moms who were Super Women. The ones who can juggle 14 balls in the air while balancing on a ball on one leg. There were times moms like this made me feel inferior, because I just didn't have the energy to push on as they did. I used to feel weak, not good enough, that I "should" be doing more to dive in and help others while getting my kids to a ton of activities and not saying no.

And then I hurt my back, and I realized something. That's not who I am.

I grew up with a mom who is filled with energy, who can do 20 things at once, who can edge a bed and wield a shovel at the age of 70 better than I ever could. She was amazing, and constantly on the go. And I am surrounded by amazing women like this today. And although I admire them, I have realized, even before I injured my back - it's not me.

In July, I resigned from my job of 10 years. There were many reasons for this, but the biggest one was because I wanted to be more present for my children. I wanted to fully be with them, and not thinking or worrying about what I had to do for my job. As a bonus, it's enabled me to bump up the volunteer hours with their homeschooling programs.

But as I've taken on more, I was reminded that I only have so much time to give, and that now, my time is even more precious as my children are young, and growing fast, and frankly, I want to immerse myself in their hugs (while they still want to hug me). I want to savor the games we play together and reading to them. I want to teach them how to honor themselves, and how to trust that what is best for them, might not be best for others.

I am reminded that while some people can go and choose to go full speed, that may not be what is best for me. As my body changes with the physical therapy exercises, I may not look like a fitness instructor, but I'm different than I was last June. I can see the changes here and there, though others can't. I can feel the strength returning and my balance improving. I understand that when I don't get enough sleep, caffeinating myself isn't enough, there's a good chance that I will be in pain as a result, and I need to honor that.

By honoring myself, I can only compare me to me. This last year, I've become more aware of my limits. I really value my time and how I spend it, which I almost forgot, but was reminded of this weekend. And thus, I might need to say no to a few more things, continue to cut back on the computer time, and limit the activities. And that's okay.

What a week (Week 34)

It's been a week full of friends, news of a friend's passing, working through the processing of grieving, the usual routines, physical therapy, and the start of a new Writing Club, of which I am the mentor. After the club, we rushed over to our friend's viewing, and next Saturday, we will go to the memorial.

So it was a full week, of which I am thankful for the support and love that helped us to get through.

Ah yes, you noticed I mentioned physical therapy. Well, I only went once. And it looks like I will have one more visit before I "graduate".

In the last week, I've been able to do exercises that make the therapists cringe, and I admit it, I'm proud that I'm strong. I'm proud that I can do things my fit and healthy PTs can't. It's been a long road... an incredible journey... and, as my daughter tells me, "The story doesn't end here, Mommy. You just start a new one."

Snow, Sitting, and Snuggles (Week 33)

I promised myself today, that I must always live in a place where there is the possibility of being snowed in when it's winter. I love being able to snuggle up with a good book, a hot cuppa nearby, under a warm cozy blanket. I love staying inside and playing games with the kiddos (on the floor), and oh, have we been playing games! So very many (some at 3 a.m.)

I couldn't do these things a month ago without being in a lot of pain afterwards. And let me tell you, for a woman who adores reading... not being able to curl up with a book, is not a good thing. One of my favorite things about winter, is watching and playing in the snow. And this winter, I'd given all hope of sledding down the back hill with my little loves.

However, last Saturday it was cool and snowy, and me and my eldest were planning to go out there and build a snowman in the quiet of the snow. You know, where you hear the flakes falling on your coat, the ground, the deck? I was out there, taking it all in before she arrived... and I couldn't help myself.

Like a kid who's been told to "Stay right there" I found myself picking up the sled, and making my way to the top of the hill. It was a bit slippery, but I didn't fall. I put down the sled, my adrenaline pumping for I SO love sledding in the winter, sat upon it, aimed, and let go.

It was brilliant.

It was wonderful.

So when my eldest came out to join me, I couldn't say no to at least one ride down the hill with her...

Bliss. Total and utter bliss. I held her tight, we let go, almost hit the house, but ended up laughing and dodging it at the last minute.

No pain either time.

In fact, I felt invigorated. When I went to PT this week... only 1 visit, I amazed the therapist by being able to show them a few yoga moves that they weren't sure of, to watch the therapist (I had a different one, as the usual was on vacation) who'd seen me once early on, be amazed as he challenged me to a side plank, and I bust out into the advanced version without a sweat.

I'm not back to where I was before this, and mind you, I'm still taking it easy and SLOWLY. But I'm gradually becoming so aware of my progress, and able to do things I never thought I'd be able to do again.

So, I'm taking it slow. I'm making the most out of the sunny days (I get out and walk if it's not too cold), and I'm thoroughly enjoying the snowy days, even though I can't sit as long as I thought and have to make sure I move throughout the day. (Which, has proven to be a very healthy thing, mind you...)

And occasionally, you'll catch me curled up on the couch with a good book, or even a good movie... Yeah, progress and loving it.

.

And Surgeon Says... (Week 32)

Let me start by saying that last week was a challenge. There are some things in life that still through me for a loop emotionally, and it takes me a while to get on my feet again. The good news is, that each time, I bounce back faster and more grounded.

Thus, after a few days where I was feeling a bit "off" mentally and emotionally, scattered and whirling with thoughts and ideas, I came to Friday. Friday morning I had my appointment with the surgeon. He's a good one in several locations, which means at least a two hour wait to see him, and you have to wait four weeks to get an appointment with him. I was supposed to see him in December... but because they forgot to schedule me, I ended up waiting until the end of January.

After three hours, we finally got to see him. By that time I was hungry, tired, really not wanting to be there... and I can only imagine how the kiddos felt. It was a quick visit as I wanted out, and really had nothing to say other than to get him to sign the PT form. I was hoping he'd tell me I was doing great... that I didn't have to see him anymore. Alas... he wants me back in 3 months.

Over the weekend I leaned into the feeling of being scattered. It was snowing, and I knew I was off when instead of leisurely watching it with a nice cuppa... I was pacing and agitated. I did settle in for some games with hubby in the afternoon.

I haven't been able to get out and walk with the snow and the chill in the air (15 degrees is too cold). Getting out and walking, I'm usually on my own, and it not only gives me a chance to move, but it's like a mediation. It makes me feel better physically, mentally, and emotionally. Hmmm... perhaps I should consult a good friend of mine who walks indoors in her home... :)

Then today, I went to physical therapy. I got a workout today with various exercises and yoga poses, and felt super proud when he commented how hard one exercise was, and for me it was easy. The best part has been realizing that I can do some of the exercises that I thought I could never do. Proof that I'm getting better.

The PT told me that he thinks I might need another month and then I'm done. He said by April, I might be back to doing what I was. I need to do the moves slowly... but I can do a lot that I couldn't before. My movement and strength have really improved. My core strength is increasing.

April will be almost a year since my fall. It's been a long road.

Has it been so long? (Week 31)

Oh my... with the holidays I've let things slide. Life has been full, and overall that is good, as the Physical Therapy has really made such a difference. My movement has improved, and the dry needling, though very painful, was helpful. I was even able to travel (a 3.5 hour car ride) back for the holidays to spend and see family.

It's a new year, and I'm past the 6 month mark. I'm not completely pain free. There are still issues that we are working out, but my pain level is between a 1-2, save for when I am encouraged to try new things to see what will happen. Even then *knock on wood*, the highest it's been has been a 4-5.

I'm still driving. I can get on the floor to play games with the kiddos. I can get on the floor and teach my morning class to the kiddos and spend all day at co-op without pain meds. Though there have been days I've needed them.

As for exercise... back in November, I started walking a half hour a day. Now that it's a bit colder, I've been able to do the Wii Fit - including some yoga poses and strength exercises. I am getting stronger... I still have to be careful. Oh, and I can sit for longer periods in front of the computer. I feel best when I'm getting up, around, and moving.

On Friday, I'm supposed to see the surgeon again. Will it be the last time? Will he give me the all clear? Oh... I hope so. Stay tuned.


PS. This is the brand of curcumin I use: http://www.amazon.com/Turmeric-Curcumin-GOLD-500mg-Capsules/dp/B0055713UO/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1358992864&sr=8-2&keywords=curcumin

Thanksgiving Week (Week 22)

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I have much to be thankful for this week - like being able to walk to the park down the way and around the circle in my neighborhood. I'm sore this week... hoping it's just from physical therapy, or walking... supposed to meet with the therapist tomorrow...


The good news is... I don't need as much ibuprofen... actually, I've been taking the curcumin (turmeric) which is helping a lot.

Here's hoping...

Tough Week

So maybe going for a walk after he worked on me on Monday was not a good idea. I've been so sore all week. (Could also be the 3 sneezes that agitated it as well... thankfully they were small ones, but still, I'll need to report them.)

I did do a few of the exercises that he okayed as well. Sometimes movement makes me feel better. We shall see. Today, I'll have help here if I need it.  Yesterday, I didn't, and that made things interested with my little one having a few potty training accidents. Oh my...

I'm feeling better today, so I'm going to take that as a good sign. I've decided that I need to move at least 1000-1500 steps a day.

We shall see how it goes...

Giddy. Excited. On Track. (Week 8)

I went to see my chiropractor today. I was concerned this weekend because I was feeling so bad that I might have taken 2 steps back. However this morning I woke up feeling pretty good, and not in a lot of pain. Yay!  It turns out, I'm right where I should be. The disc is still not healed - if I turn certain ways, I feel it for sure. However, my range of movement has certainly improved.

The best part? I've been cleared to do minor exercises!!!! There are specific restrictions: no more than a set of 10 at one time, not all at once, and if I feel any pain at all, I am to stop immediately. (Make note, that each situation is different for each person, so if you happen to have a herniated disc confer with your doctor or chiropractor. These have been specified for me personally - they may not be best for everyone.)

So, allow me to share with you what I can do:

Before I do any of these - hold in the core muscles and keep them tight!!!

- Bend forward - slowly - as far as I can. Use a chair if need be.
- Bend backward - slowly.
- Bend to the right and left side - slowly.
- Twist to the right and left side - slowly.
- Knee lifts.
- Side leg lifts while standing.
- Lift legs back (this I need to be careful of because I do hurt when I reach a certain point)

Using 1-5 pound weights (obviously I'm starting with the lower end) and standing straight (no bending) moving VERY slow:
- Bicep curls (Squee!!!)
- Tricep curls (I need to keep them close to my sides and stand straight.)
- Shoulder press

I am not allowed to do this all at once. (No 20 minute work outs.) So I can do legs one day, and arms the next. I must remember, step-by-step. SLOW. 

And he wants me to walk as much as possible. I've been averaging 1500- 2000 steps the last week. Today, I actually walked outside about a half of the neighborhood, and it felt awesome.

My goals to build up to for next week: 2500-3000 steps average and maybe even work up to one time around the neighborhood.

A fine line...

Last night and this morning were tough ones. I went to bed and woke up in pain. I could've taken pain meds, but since I'm seeing the chiropractor today, I wanted to avoid them if I could stand it. I think I over did it yesterday because I was feeling well.

Oh the fine line that I am walking, balancing on, at times! So frustrating...

It's time to remember to slow down again. Even though I'm feeling better, I need to remember that it's not wise to just dive in.

On My Own ( Week 7)

Yesterday was the first full day since June 13th that I was on my own without someone here to help. I have been feeling good enough to tackle more things. On Friday, my friend helped me to organize and go through my kiddos clothes. I wanted to get it done so that my hubby, who wanted to do it, didn't have to do it. He's been doing enough as of late, and run into the ground because of it. I was also able to clean off the sinks in the bathroom.

Silly little things, I know. And many of you might laugh at me when I tell you how excited I am when I get the all clear to do laundry, or drive again. But for now, I still need to be patient. As my chiropractor said, "You can balance on that tight rope, and try standing on one foot as long as you are comfortable. Just don't fall off or it's back to square one."

I am grateful for the pain that reminds me to be careful. Yesterday, after being tweaked and twisted, and able to bend pretty far back (Whoo hoo!!!), we discussed where I was in treatment. He explained that outside of the disc (annulus) has layers to it, like an onion, that keeps the inner nucleus pulposus inside. Mine has ruptured, to the point where a particle has leaked out. Will the particle be reabsorbed? We don't know. It might, or it might be a floater in my spinal column.

"As the disc continues to degenerate, or with continued stress on the spine, the inner nucleus pulposus may actually rupture out from the annulus. This is considered a ruptured, or herniated, disc. The fragments of disc material can then press on the nerve roots that are located just behind the disc space. This can cause pain, weakness, numbness, or changes in sensation."


So, where do I stand, and what does this mean? It means that once his adjustments help the nucleus material to settle in, and the layers of the annulus (think onion) heal closed, I should be able to sneeze and cough without fear of going back to square 1. Until then, I admit that I'm a little nervous and treating myself as though I'm fragile. I'm also doing a ton of visualization involving those layers healing with no to minimum scar tissue.

Since getting another MRI is out of the question, unless I have another injury (no thank you) or a ton of money, we have to go by how I feel, and what he can tell based from various tests. The difference between me and crippling, incapacitating pain could be less then a milometer. How's that for a reality check?

Yesterday, he was able to try a few more tests since I was finally able to lay straight on my back without severe pain. He discovered that it's still bulging a bit (but hopefully all the material has been reabsorbed - fingers crossed). I am able to move more, to walk and stand up straight, but a fast move, or a twist in the wrong direction, will provide me with a swift and painful reminder to slow down, and be careful. It's still there.

So what am I cleared to do? He told me to walk as much as I can - but not on concrete nor uneven surfaces. Black top is best, and I'm to be very careful on inclines. I started off barely walking 250 steps a day (according to my pedometer). About two weeks ago, I averaged between 500-800. This past week, I've average 1500. (Yesterday I took over 2500.)

I need to keep active, and work those muscles to prevent chronic pain. I asked how long before I could lift weights: 3-4 months. *Sigh* I was not happy to hear that. At the same time, another reality check to take it easy. One step at a time, as opposed to the way I usually jump in. I suppose it's a good thing that I keep getting this reminder throughout this journey, eh?

I want to continue to improve, to get better. And if that means I can walk, I'm going to do my best to continue to improve, or average where I am. This also means, it's time to be serious about what I eat (oh how that is a challenge in that food has been a comfort for me on many levels). Nothing like an injury to force you into a lifestyle change you couldn't do on your own before hand.

Bend over backwards? Not yet.

I was a little concerned today. The last few days I've been in a bit more pain than usual. I've been feeling tender, and needing to take the occasional ibuprofen. So, I was a bit worried that I might've done a two steps forward, one step back deal.

I walked into the appointment upright. I didn't need to park in the handicap space, although I did make hubby park in the closest spot. I realized that I'm not as tired. I'm standing longer, and during the day, I caught myself subconsciously crossing my legs. I noticed that I got on the table without a problem.

After the ever more aggressive traction/flexion (I forget the proper name for it), I got off the table, felt a twinge, breathed through it and stood. I used to have to sit down as quickly as possible. And then, I turned, and bent backwards, slowly. There was no twinge. I turned to the right and to the left, and... no twinge.

I proceeded to stand and chat. I told him how I was longing to exercise, do pushups, jump lunges, burpees... and he said that if I keep down this road, I'll build my strength back, and eventually be able to do those things again. Then he hooked me up to the Estim, and I walked to the waiting room, and onto the car - without having to sit and rest.

I'm still under major restrictions. But I've been told to get up and walk around (not around the block), but not to sit all day. To get up and move.

I'm smiling as I type this, because today, was awesome.

Riding the Roller Coaster

I've been warned that there will be days that I'm feeling really good, and days where I'm not feeling so excellent. This weekend was a prime example.

Today, I was finally able to hang with friends and stand in the hub-bub of conversation. It was wonderful. I stood until I needed to sit. I talked and laughed and hugged. I was blessed with love and laughter. I got up, walked around, was made to sit down...

It was just wonderful.

I have missed this a lot.

I'm not sure how I will feel tomorrow. I think I'm going to pop some ibuprofen just in case there is inflammation from today's activities.

I need to be more careful... (Week 6)

Today and yesterday were all too close reminders of just how careful I need to be. One wrong move, or over doing it, can set me back pain wise, or worse. And it gets harder the better I feel because I long to do more...

However, today, not only was I able to stand up straight, but bend back a bit.

Smiling...

Today, after my chiropractic appointment, I was almost standing straight - without severe pain. I smiled, he smiled, and I was able to walk to the car with my head held high.

Mind you, I'm not out of the woods yet. It's as though I am walking on a tightrope. I can continue to improve, or regress. Tomorrow, I'll likely feel the work and manipulation he did today.

So I must be careful, and tread carefully, moving slowly. I still have major restrictions (no lifting, no driving, no sudden movements, no sneezing or coughing).  I still am limited in movement. I still feel pain if I twist the wrong way or reach too high, or don't sit right. I use meditation and breathing exercises to manage it now.

So today, I am smiling. There is definitely progress. And that, is very good news indeed.

Excited... (Week 5)

That's how I feel today. Tomorrow will be the determining factor, mind you. - the day after traction. But today, today I walked in almost straight. Today, I managed my pain by being very careful how I move and sit, deep breathing, stretching, and meditation. Today, I was able to shower without having to sit down and feeling completely wiped out after. It's still there - but I can manage it on my own. Today, I felt SO close.

And what made my day? Having my chiro tell me that he was excited at the progress I'm making.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can do this. I feel like my body has shifted, decided that it's going to do this.