Super Soul Sunday on Oprah...

The other day, a friend posted a link on my Facebook page. I checked it out, and discovered that it was one of a series of shows that Oprah is doing.

The breathing spaces, the speakers, the conversations...listening to them (usually while playing Spider Solitaire), have left me feeling fuller. The other day, a friend of mine asked me, "If this particle in you was a part of you that you've cut out from yourself, what would it be? I think it's your spirituality."

You know what... the day before I started to watch/listen to these. And they left me feeling a sense of peace, a sense of something I don't have a word for yet, that I have been missing. Did I cut myself off from my spirituality? Yes, I did a few years ago. And since then, I've felt a bit of a void and an emptiness. 

http://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/super-soul-sunday.html

Besides, with all of the political controversy (and, sadly all the hatred) at the moment I needed my spirit, my soul, a part of me to be nurtured with love, compassion, and peace. Thank you my friend, for this gift.

The Journey Continues (Week 13)

Today I met with my chiropractor to view the MRIs and compare them. Yup, there's a difference in the two, and it is worse. The disc has indeed degenerated (there is no fluid in it), and you can see the bulge in the second MRI. It covers the nerve. There might even be multiple particles as opposed to the one. I'm on the list to get in to see the surgeon when he returns. In the meantime, I'm focused on the thought that I'm right where I'm meant to be, and it brings me comfort.

I love that my chiropractor was happy to see that I'm standing up straight, even though I'm still in pain. Each time I talk with him, he inspires me. We can talk about anything. He encourages me to try the holistic medicines, that it's my choice and that who knows, I might still be able to heal before the surgery. He is a positive influence in my life, and I admit I miss seeing him twice a week for treatment. I also love how he encourages me to be spiritual... something that I haven't been in a long time.


Emotionally, mentally, even spiritually, this is a journey that is affecting each of those levels. Instead of over thinking, I've been BEing. I've found myself coming across some spiritual information, via links and suggestions. Listening and watching have brought me a sense of peace as I stop worrying about what I'm in control of... and what I'm not.

I don't know where this journey will lead, what the outcome will be. What I do know, is that I'm holding on to "This is just where I'm meant to be." That feels right... and that is what important to me right now.

Taking the path less traveled...

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

 - Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken

Oh, what a whirlwind of emotions this weekend! On Friday, after much thought, I decided to resign from my job of the last 10 and a half years. (Mind you, I was a contractor, so if I can't work, which I haven't been while healing, I don't get paid.)

I do not have a back up plan; it was a complete leap of faith. 
 
Logically, one would think that I should have stayed on to help cover treatment, saved up money, done more preparation, etc. However, I knew that it was time to let go. Call it a "gut" feeling if you will. All I knew, is that it was an overwhelming urge to let go and move on. So, I took a deep breathe and did it.

I was nervous about hurting the feelings of my bosses, as they are friends. I'm a nervous about finances, and how this will all work out. I'm definitely going to need to revamp the budget and spend carefully. And yet, despite that, there is a part of me that knows I've made the right choice.

I'm already used to not knowing how things will end up, and taking things step-by-step as I work through the healing (today's a toughie). So in a way it's fitting that this is part of my path at the moment, don't you think? Thus, now that I'm on the path, I suppose it's time to enjoy it.

Letting Go

One of the challenges during this time, has been having to let go of a few things. July was the month of activity for us, rather it was supposed to be. Filled with swimming lessons, summer camps, festivals and more.

Instead, we had to make decisions and get real about what was really possible. Swimming lessons were off, because hubby is dealing with a new project at work, and by the time he gets home, he is exhausted. I am limited in movement, couldn't take the heat, but more importantly can not drive nor walk far (which nulled any festivals we wanted to attend). So, we opted to forgo them this year. We felt relieved when we made the decision; however, it's still hard when we hear who went and how great they were. Hopefully, next year we'll be able to make them. We shall see.

I was hoping that my youngest would be able to do her summer camp. It was supposed to be a time of transition for her, over an hour a day for 5 days of a program where she would go without mommy to prep her for the fall, as it was during the day, and I can't drive. We had to cancel that because it is just not possible to work out.

As a mom, I'm carrying a sense of guilt here for not doing more and calling it quits. It can be argued that perhaps I could've worked harder to make it work, or even called in the troops. (Mind you, I've been calling in troops over the last month, thus it's feeling like a burden now.) However, in many ways, it's been a relief to just say no. Not to mention the money we will be saving (that I can apply to chiropractic appointments).

Last night, in a discussion with my eldest, she admitted to me that she enjoys slow, laid back summers over busy, hectic, jam-packed summers. Even though I'm injured, she told me that it's been nice to stay home and have PJ days like we used to. She enjoys her friends, but she values the slowness. Perhaps that too is a lesson...

Things I miss being able to do...

* Exercise
* Walking for long periods
* Sleeping on my side
* Being able to move in any direction that I want
* Feeling normal, healthy and strong
* Being able to sit on the floor and play with my kids
* Having more energy
* Walking standing completely upright
* Hug people normally

Feeling a Bit Insecure

This morning I woke up in pain, a little more than yesterday. I'd like to think it's because my youngest decided to make use of her potty chair Monday, and has been using it (with a few exceptions) throughout the week. Yesterday, she opted to wear underwear - no diaper (though I did put one on while she was napping over the underwear). Thank goodness my mom is here helping me, because emptying, cleaning up - let's just say it's a lot more work than changing a diaper. I had more movement yesterday then I have in a long time. (Not necessarily a good thing.)

I didn't want to wake my husband (he's barely getting enough rest as it is), so I eased myself out of bed to the kitchen so I could eat something to take some pain meds and apply some ice. Now I sit here in the quiet morning, documenting my thoughts and listening to the song of birds.

It's strange to not really be able to plan ahead. Not knowing what the next day will bring, how I will feel. Sometimes I feel so fragile, because there are no guarantees or sure fire solutions. My body will hopefully reabsorb the particle pushing on the nerve. I hopefully won't sneeze or cough (which puts me back to the beginning).

Yesterday it's been a month since this happened. I admit that I'm more in the present moment then ever, because I have no clue what is going to happen. In some ways, it's freeing. In others, frustrating. I want more progress, things to happen faster. At the same time, there is a gift in a slow recovery in that I am forced to be patient, to accept where I am on a daily basis.

I desire a guarantee that I'm going to heal from this, be pain free, and grow stronger. Fact is, I have no idea how this will all play out. So I work on letting go... going with the flow, being present,  breathing deeply, and rely on little things to help my mood.