Ups and Downs

Last night I was feeling super down. I'd been off the anti-inflammatory meds, and could feel that there was still inflammation. I popped some ibuprofen, and woke up this morning in more pain. I was scared. Should I have gotten the shot? Should I reconsider the shot?

I'd reached out on Facebook, letting others know that I was nervous, scared, sad (I left out that I'm also a bit premenstrual) and immediately received a slew of much needed support. I was feeling better this morning, even meditated (while in the office too), which really centered and calmed me.

I think I love my surgeon... He reminds me of a happy Deepak Chopra. He's funny and relaxed, he put me at ease by letting me know that I'm likely to have a few recurrences that I am to REST through and he agreed that I should wait on the shot (but, also reminded me that it's my choice). He's recommended another round of anti-inflammatories (Aleve) for the next 3 weeks topped off with physical therapy. And, I'm to see him again in another month... (I like him, but not the 2 hour wait to see him.)

Thus, I am again feeling positive and hope-filled. And hoping won't be so worried by the next appointment. Here's to physical therapy!!!!

And I just want to take a moment to thank you (you know who you are). Those of you who've offered help, those of you who've checked in, those of you who've given me rides, helped me to clean my house and feed my family, those of you who've simple "been there" (to listen, talk, etc.), those of you who've reached out over the miles (via phone, FB, email, visits)... Special shout out to my mom for spending a week and a half with us to help me with projects around the house, watching the kiddos and giving my husband a break.

My husband has been beyond amazing. As he said today while leaving the doctors, "Through better or for worse, right? Sickness and in health? Pandas and all... darn the fine print." And been there he has... from the running the house, to the nightly reflexology, to the supportive hugs when I need them and more... My love, awesome and great doesn't even come close. You are beyond that. Thank you.


Thank goodness for dear friends who entertained my kiddos and B&N both appointments - we are SO grateful. So... this means, I need to continue to rest and relax (and not over do it... not that I did this week), and figure out how I'm going to get to the physical therapy. One step at a time...

And surgeon says... (Week 15)

Yesterday was a beautiful day. I was simultaneously nervous and excited because I was finally (finally!!) meeting with the surgeon. I was prepped with questions about the surgery, and dreamed of getting answers, and the day when I'd finally be back to "normal".

Well, then.

After waiting for 2 hours, to see him for 15 minutes, imagine my surprise when he walked in, radiating calm to tell me he didn't think I needed surgery. I admit it, I was in shock. What? I was happy, because I didn't want the surgery, but then reality hit. So what do I do now?

He suggested a round of oral (not the shot of which there are current issues http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2012/10/05/162402254/meningitis-outbreak-update-list-of-hospitals-released ) steroids followed up with a heavy duty anti-inflammatory. ( Medrol Dose Pack which is an oral steroid, followed by Mobic.)

I'm on the limb about the steroids. I'm giving myself a few days to really think about if I want to do them or not. I admit it - I'm a little scared with my history of medications. Plus, I'm feeling better this week, so are they really necessary or should I just skip to the Mobic? Lots to think about, and I want to make the best decision.

Thankfully, this has been a good week back wise. I've not been in as much pain, and movement has been good.

I admit, that I was hoping for surgery, and for a "quick fix". But when a surgeon recommends against it, maybe he's right. In talking to him, he said that my herniation is a small one and that if there is a loose particle that I should still wait. He gave the impression that surgery cannot be undone, so try all my other options first.

I'm not sure how hubby feels. I know he's fed up and tired with all that he's been doing. Sometimes I think he was hoping the surgery would be the big step needed to get our lives back (I know I had thought that).

So, here we are. Another month of waiting before we meet with the surgeon again. In the meantime, looks as though we really need to make the most of it. (I've called in my mom to come for a week to help out in the meantime.)

I can say one thing. It was incredibly empowering for the surgeon to give it back to me. (I'd pretty much turned it over to him, and he handed it back.)

The journey continues...

Time to make an appointment with the neurosurgeon (10 weeks)

Well, today I put up a good fight. I tried reflexology, and we thought we kicked it. But when I woke up and went to the chiro, it was really bad. To the point that my skin was red and hot to the touch from the inflammation.

I told him to make the appointment with the neurosurgeon. I'm feeling a plethora of emotions... I'm terrified of getting surgery. I really do not want to end up in the ER on my daughter's birthday. And I'm doing my best to process all of this.

On My Own ( Week 7)

Yesterday was the first full day since June 13th that I was on my own without someone here to help. I have been feeling good enough to tackle more things. On Friday, my friend helped me to organize and go through my kiddos clothes. I wanted to get it done so that my hubby, who wanted to do it, didn't have to do it. He's been doing enough as of late, and run into the ground because of it. I was also able to clean off the sinks in the bathroom.

Silly little things, I know. And many of you might laugh at me when I tell you how excited I am when I get the all clear to do laundry, or drive again. But for now, I still need to be patient. As my chiropractor said, "You can balance on that tight rope, and try standing on one foot as long as you are comfortable. Just don't fall off or it's back to square one."

I am grateful for the pain that reminds me to be careful. Yesterday, after being tweaked and twisted, and able to bend pretty far back (Whoo hoo!!!), we discussed where I was in treatment. He explained that outside of the disc (annulus) has layers to it, like an onion, that keeps the inner nucleus pulposus inside. Mine has ruptured, to the point where a particle has leaked out. Will the particle be reabsorbed? We don't know. It might, or it might be a floater in my spinal column.

"As the disc continues to degenerate, or with continued stress on the spine, the inner nucleus pulposus may actually rupture out from the annulus. This is considered a ruptured, or herniated, disc. The fragments of disc material can then press on the nerve roots that are located just behind the disc space. This can cause pain, weakness, numbness, or changes in sensation."


So, where do I stand, and what does this mean? It means that once his adjustments help the nucleus material to settle in, and the layers of the annulus (think onion) heal closed, I should be able to sneeze and cough without fear of going back to square 1. Until then, I admit that I'm a little nervous and treating myself as though I'm fragile. I'm also doing a ton of visualization involving those layers healing with no to minimum scar tissue.

Since getting another MRI is out of the question, unless I have another injury (no thank you) or a ton of money, we have to go by how I feel, and what he can tell based from various tests. The difference between me and crippling, incapacitating pain could be less then a milometer. How's that for a reality check?

Yesterday, he was able to try a few more tests since I was finally able to lay straight on my back without severe pain. He discovered that it's still bulging a bit (but hopefully all the material has been reabsorbed - fingers crossed). I am able to move more, to walk and stand up straight, but a fast move, or a twist in the wrong direction, will provide me with a swift and painful reminder to slow down, and be careful. It's still there.

So what am I cleared to do? He told me to walk as much as I can - but not on concrete nor uneven surfaces. Black top is best, and I'm to be very careful on inclines. I started off barely walking 250 steps a day (according to my pedometer). About two weeks ago, I averaged between 500-800. This past week, I've average 1500. (Yesterday I took over 2500.)

I need to keep active, and work those muscles to prevent chronic pain. I asked how long before I could lift weights: 3-4 months. *Sigh* I was not happy to hear that. At the same time, another reality check to take it easy. One step at a time, as opposed to the way I usually jump in. I suppose it's a good thing that I keep getting this reminder throughout this journey, eh?

I want to continue to improve, to get better. And if that means I can walk, I'm going to do my best to continue to improve, or average where I am. This also means, it's time to be serious about what I eat (oh how that is a challenge in that food has been a comfort for me on many levels). Nothing like an injury to force you into a lifestyle change you couldn't do on your own before hand.

Riding the Roller Coaster

I've been warned that there will be days that I'm feeling really good, and days where I'm not feeling so excellent. This weekend was a prime example.

Today, I was finally able to hang with friends and stand in the hub-bub of conversation. It was wonderful. I stood until I needed to sit. I talked and laughed and hugged. I was blessed with love and laughter. I got up, walked around, was made to sit down...

It was just wonderful.

I have missed this a lot.

I'm not sure how I will feel tomorrow. I think I'm going to pop some ibuprofen just in case there is inflammation from today's activities.

Meditation

What do you do when you physically can't exercise a lot, you've been munching on chocolate (and your hubby keeps getting it) because it helps your mood, and you eat whenever you need comfort? I asked myself that yesterday as I've been feeling the weight gain as a result.

Whenever I notice or think about it, I find myself tumbling into a dark cloud of hopelessness. Everything I had worked so hard for in muscle tone and strength over the last few years appears to be fading. It's disheartening, especially now, because I can't do those exercises, and when I can exercise again, I have to start from square one.

It's been one of the struggles I've been dealing with, aside from the fact that I don't remember what it feels like to stand up straight and feel strong.

The last few days, I've started meditation. I focus on breathing, and I visualize myself as healthy. I figure that it will at least calm me down, and help me to feel peaceful and centered (hopefully). And since I can't exercise my body, perhaps I can imagine exercising in my mind, and see where it leads. Who knows, maybe it will let me make peace with my body too?

Feeling a Bit Insecure

This morning I woke up in pain, a little more than yesterday. I'd like to think it's because my youngest decided to make use of her potty chair Monday, and has been using it (with a few exceptions) throughout the week. Yesterday, she opted to wear underwear - no diaper (though I did put one on while she was napping over the underwear). Thank goodness my mom is here helping me, because emptying, cleaning up - let's just say it's a lot more work than changing a diaper. I had more movement yesterday then I have in a long time. (Not necessarily a good thing.)

I didn't want to wake my husband (he's barely getting enough rest as it is), so I eased myself out of bed to the kitchen so I could eat something to take some pain meds and apply some ice. Now I sit here in the quiet morning, documenting my thoughts and listening to the song of birds.

It's strange to not really be able to plan ahead. Not knowing what the next day will bring, how I will feel. Sometimes I feel so fragile, because there are no guarantees or sure fire solutions. My body will hopefully reabsorb the particle pushing on the nerve. I hopefully won't sneeze or cough (which puts me back to the beginning).

Yesterday it's been a month since this happened. I admit that I'm more in the present moment then ever, because I have no clue what is going to happen. In some ways, it's freeing. In others, frustrating. I want more progress, things to happen faster. At the same time, there is a gift in a slow recovery in that I am forced to be patient, to accept where I am on a daily basis.

I desire a guarantee that I'm going to heal from this, be pain free, and grow stronger. Fact is, I have no idea how this will all play out. So I work on letting go... going with the flow, being present,  breathing deeply, and rely on little things to help my mood.