Epiphany (Week 35)

I spent Saturday sitting on the couch watching movies. I had popcorn with hot cocoa for lunch, and I luxuriated in its buttery goodness. Later on, I got out my crocheting, enjoying the delicious texture of the yarn, seconded only by the delightful rainbow colors. I gave myself permission to skip my PT exercises (Shh! Don't tell my therapist!), and to just rest. Oh - it was bliss I tell you. Sheer and utter bliss!

And why is this such an important thing?

Because only a few months ago this was impossible without total and utter pain. I was lucky to be able to sit for 15 minutes, let alone spend all day on the couch.

This whole journey has been filled with lessons, and this morning was no exception. One of the biggest lessons has been that if I don't take care of me (getting enough rest, doing my exercises, eating the foods that nurture me, honoring my need to hibernate and to be social), my back will swiftly remind me that I've been lax. It will hurt and ache, and that's just not a good thing.

I used to be envious of those moms who were Super Women. The ones who can juggle 14 balls in the air while balancing on a ball on one leg. There were times moms like this made me feel inferior, because I just didn't have the energy to push on as they did. I used to feel weak, not good enough, that I "should" be doing more to dive in and help others while getting my kids to a ton of activities and not saying no.

And then I hurt my back, and I realized something. That's not who I am.

I grew up with a mom who is filled with energy, who can do 20 things at once, who can edge a bed and wield a shovel at the age of 70 better than I ever could. She was amazing, and constantly on the go. And I am surrounded by amazing women like this today. And although I admire them, I have realized, even before I injured my back - it's not me.

In July, I resigned from my job of 10 years. There were many reasons for this, but the biggest one was because I wanted to be more present for my children. I wanted to fully be with them, and not thinking or worrying about what I had to do for my job. As a bonus, it's enabled me to bump up the volunteer hours with their homeschooling programs.

But as I've taken on more, I was reminded that I only have so much time to give, and that now, my time is even more precious as my children are young, and growing fast, and frankly, I want to immerse myself in their hugs (while they still want to hug me). I want to savor the games we play together and reading to them. I want to teach them how to honor themselves, and how to trust that what is best for them, might not be best for others.

I am reminded that while some people can go and choose to go full speed, that may not be what is best for me. As my body changes with the physical therapy exercises, I may not look like a fitness instructor, but I'm different than I was last June. I can see the changes here and there, though others can't. I can feel the strength returning and my balance improving. I understand that when I don't get enough sleep, caffeinating myself isn't enough, there's a good chance that I will be in pain as a result, and I need to honor that.

By honoring myself, I can only compare me to me. This last year, I've become more aware of my limits. I really value my time and how I spend it, which I almost forgot, but was reminded of this weekend. And thus, I might need to say no to a few more things, continue to cut back on the computer time, and limit the activities. And that's okay.

Pain Clinic - No shot this time!

Had my appointment at the pain clinic today. The doc was awesome. I want the zen feeling that both he and my surgeon share. Seriously - they radiate calm and peace. It's lovely. When I told the doc that I didn't want the epidural steroid shot, his response was, "If you don't want it, then you don't need it."

Good news is that since the steroids and anti-inflammatory meds are working, it means that I am indeed dealing with disc inflammation, especially as I've not taken anything since the anti-inflammatory meds. In other words the disc bulge isn't pushing on my disc. So, putting together questions for the surgeon, as today's doc recommended I exercise and maintain a healthy weight. (They weighed me with my winter coat and shoes on, which added about 10 pounds.) Frankly, I need to find someone to work with me and teach me what I can and can't do. So, here's hoping for physical therapy... onto Friday for the next appointment... 

Oh, and he also said, that if it ever gets that bad again, to call them and tell them that he'd get me in within a week for the steroid shot. Feeling very hopeful. :)

Time to make an appointment with the neurosurgeon (10 weeks)

Well, today I put up a good fight. I tried reflexology, and we thought we kicked it. But when I woke up and went to the chiro, it was really bad. To the point that my skin was red and hot to the touch from the inflammation.

I told him to make the appointment with the neurosurgeon. I'm feeling a plethora of emotions... I'm terrified of getting surgery. I really do not want to end up in the ER on my daughter's birthday. And I'm doing my best to process all of this.

Taking the path less traveled...

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

 - Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken

Oh, what a whirlwind of emotions this weekend! On Friday, after much thought, I decided to resign from my job of the last 10 and a half years. (Mind you, I was a contractor, so if I can't work, which I haven't been while healing, I don't get paid.)

I do not have a back up plan; it was a complete leap of faith. 
 
Logically, one would think that I should have stayed on to help cover treatment, saved up money, done more preparation, etc. However, I knew that it was time to let go. Call it a "gut" feeling if you will. All I knew, is that it was an overwhelming urge to let go and move on. So, I took a deep breathe and did it.

I was nervous about hurting the feelings of my bosses, as they are friends. I'm a nervous about finances, and how this will all work out. I'm definitely going to need to revamp the budget and spend carefully. And yet, despite that, there is a part of me that knows I've made the right choice.

I'm already used to not knowing how things will end up, and taking things step-by-step as I work through the healing (today's a toughie). So in a way it's fitting that this is part of my path at the moment, don't you think? Thus, now that I'm on the path, I suppose it's time to enjoy it.

Reason #323 Why I Adore My Chiropractor

I had another traction session today with my chiropractor. Though progress is slow, as he said, "You are progressing along just as I expected." Today and yesterday, though still in pain, it's to the point where I've not taken ibuprofen since Tuesday. I have taken Arnica 30c. Originally, I used the gel.  Arnica  helps the inflammation as well as Nordic fish oil. On a level of 1 to 10 (10 being excruciating - don't you dare touch or move me - please pass another Tramadol), I'd venture to say I'm about a 5-6 today.

The first time I met him, I liked him. (And it wasn't because he was very nice looking.) He made eye contact, thoroughly explained everything, and told me right off the bat, "This is what I can do... If we get to a point where I think I can't do anything else, I'll refer you to someone else. If at anytime you aren't comfortable with me, please seek another opinion."

Throughout this entire process he has been up front and honest, and very clear with all of my options - from traction to medications to surgery. He has been a strong pillar of support (whether it be helping me onto the table, talking about how I tend to stress out and what I can do about it, to cheering me on when I've wanted to give up, and then some). The entire time I've been his patient, he reaffirms that it's my choice, and he's done everything in his power to help ease my pain. He did everything to try and get me on my vacation, and was upset with us when we all realized that it wasn't going to happen. He took the time to explain everything to my hubby, including showing us the MRI. He called me on a Saturday night, after returning from an overnight trip to give me the results of my MRI.

Next week, he's upping the anti with traction in doing more manipulations. Today, while in traction, I could feel the feeling in my foot lighten up. (It used to feel like pins and needles, as though it were asleep. Now, it feel tight, as though it was swollen - which it is not.) I was able to move a bit more. Today, I felt hope. It's still a long road, each day another step down it.