The first week, I found myself wallowing in self-pity and depression. I couldn't move without pain. We had to cancel a vacation with friends. My husband spent his birthday and father's day caring for me and the two kids were in rare form as they knew Mommy was injured. I still remember him returning from the store, holding a mini-cheesecake, announcing that it was his birthday present.
I wanted to be placed in a dark hole, curl up in a ball (comfortably, mind you), and just sleep until I was better. I didn't want to deal with things. I was having a really hard time dealing with my limitations. I hated asking for help because I couldn't do anything. I was so sad and upset. And I realized, I need to find something, anything, to help get me through this.
So I took a deep breath, and took a good look around me.
I immediately became aware of the support that I received via emails asking how I was doing and telling me to "hang in there" and via friends who organized themselves to help me clean my house, do laundry, bring meals, and help me out with the kids during the day. It was hard to get lost in the sadness of feel bad when friends rushed in to help catch me. It has meant the world, and even though I want to focus completely on my healing, I still find myself wondering how exactly I can thank them.
One of the most powerful gifts, have been those people who've taken the time to be with me and connect with me. It took me a while to realize, but when I did, I couldn't help but feel grateful for the experience. It's been several weeks, and I've been blessed to spend time with and really get to talk and connect with some amazing people who I didn't know all that well before this. The sense of a deeper connection has helped me to feel fulfilled during this.
As I never know how my days will be, or how I will feel one moment to the next, I am rather stuck in the present moment. I can't make plans in advance, because I don't know how I will feel moment-to-moment. I tend to get tired super easily and depending on how I sleep, can affect everything too. And there is a gift in not having to worry about what to plan, or where to go. I have to slow down, take my time.
It is this slowness that I've been enjoying, as just a few months ago, we were speeding along and feeling the effects of moving fast and not taking time to pause. Being forced to stay at home, and not being able to do much on my end, I've had time to read. I am so aware of the kids and how they feel when I hug them. The scent of their shampoo, the feel of their hands in mine, the way my youngest must be near me. It's nice. It's a gift I want to keep with me.
Since I'm not exercising and can't move, I have more time. More time to think, to write this blog, to snuggle, to sit and not move, to rest. I'm still trying to figure out how to make the most of this time as I can do some reading, some typing, etc. but there are days when even that is challenging. Thus, I'm still working on making the most of this gift.
I am getting really good at pain management through deep breathing. As I've been in a lot of pain, I've had plenty of opportunities to manage it. When getting on and off the chiropractic examination table, I've found that moving slowly and pausing to breathe helps get me through those uncomfortable situations.
I joke that I will master the arts of patience, acceptance, and letting go, as I've had to apply all three during this situation. Mind you, learning these arts has not been fun - at all. In the long run though, I'm sure that these will be gifts. Really.
Almost forgot, that my children are becoming more independent from this, and their creativity is flowing. The eldest has been helping the youngest (who opted to potty train this week), making her own food, and learning how to compromise. The girls have been entertaining themselves, playing games and creating amazing stories. The youngest has also been snuggling me nonstop, which has been wonderful.
And of course, as my husband tells you, think of this as getting a chance to start over. Because I will have to start over with exercising and retraining my muscles, among other things. I can use this to give myself a fresh start (as long as I don't focus on how far I was before all of this).
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