Ups and Downs

Last night I was feeling super down. I'd been off the anti-inflammatory meds, and could feel that there was still inflammation. I popped some ibuprofen, and woke up this morning in more pain. I was scared. Should I have gotten the shot? Should I reconsider the shot?

I'd reached out on Facebook, letting others know that I was nervous, scared, sad (I left out that I'm also a bit premenstrual) and immediately received a slew of much needed support. I was feeling better this morning, even meditated (while in the office too), which really centered and calmed me.

I think I love my surgeon... He reminds me of a happy Deepak Chopra. He's funny and relaxed, he put me at ease by letting me know that I'm likely to have a few recurrences that I am to REST through and he agreed that I should wait on the shot (but, also reminded me that it's my choice). He's recommended another round of anti-inflammatories (Aleve) for the next 3 weeks topped off with physical therapy. And, I'm to see him again in another month... (I like him, but not the 2 hour wait to see him.)

Thus, I am again feeling positive and hope-filled. And hoping won't be so worried by the next appointment. Here's to physical therapy!!!!

And I just want to take a moment to thank you (you know who you are). Those of you who've offered help, those of you who've checked in, those of you who've given me rides, helped me to clean my house and feed my family, those of you who've simple "been there" (to listen, talk, etc.), those of you who've reached out over the miles (via phone, FB, email, visits)... Special shout out to my mom for spending a week and a half with us to help me with projects around the house, watching the kiddos and giving my husband a break.

My husband has been beyond amazing. As he said today while leaving the doctors, "Through better or for worse, right? Sickness and in health? Pandas and all... darn the fine print." And been there he has... from the running the house, to the nightly reflexology, to the supportive hugs when I need them and more... My love, awesome and great doesn't even come close. You are beyond that. Thank you.


Thank goodness for dear friends who entertained my kiddos and B&N both appointments - we are SO grateful. So... this means, I need to continue to rest and relax (and not over do it... not that I did this week), and figure out how I'm going to get to the physical therapy. One step at a time...

Pain Clinic - No shot this time!

Had my appointment at the pain clinic today. The doc was awesome. I want the zen feeling that both he and my surgeon share. Seriously - they radiate calm and peace. It's lovely. When I told the doc that I didn't want the epidural steroid shot, his response was, "If you don't want it, then you don't need it."

Good news is that since the steroids and anti-inflammatory meds are working, it means that I am indeed dealing with disc inflammation, especially as I've not taken anything since the anti-inflammatory meds. In other words the disc bulge isn't pushing on my disc. So, putting together questions for the surgeon, as today's doc recommended I exercise and maintain a healthy weight. (They weighed me with my winter coat and shoes on, which added about 10 pounds.) Frankly, I need to find someone to work with me and teach me what I can and can't do. So, here's hoping for physical therapy... onto Friday for the next appointment... 

Oh, and he also said, that if it ever gets that bad again, to call them and tell them that he'd get me in within a week for the steroid shot. Feeling very hopeful. :)

Oh, more waiting... (Week 20)

Well, finished up the last of the anti-inflammatory meds yesterday. I've two doctor appointments this week, one with the pain clinic, and the other with the neurosurgeon. So far, there is pain, but it is nothing like it was. There is a soreness in the right bum, but I can live with it.

Will no more when the meds are out of the system...

Here's hoping (praying, wishing, desiring) that it worked. Hoping to talk to the docs about going to physical therapy.

On a side note... now that I can move around... finding it harder to be on the computer, to want to be on the computer. Email and FB are slipping... I'm giving myself permission to let it go and not worry about catching up

And now... off to read a book. Oh, and did I mention I've joined Deepak Chopra's 21 day meditation? Why yes, yes I have. (Great practice while I'm waiting, eh?)

Better to be wiped out than in pain (Week 19)

Oh the tiredness... topped off by some viral bug this week, thus I've been laying lower than usual. Appetite is nil, but just enough to enjoy the maple syrup candy from Vermont care of my ILs. Yum.

I know I've been posting a lot about the process, but today, I had to express my gratitude. Today was gray and rainy, and it started warm, but there is now a cool breeze blowing that smells of autumn. I was able to stay on my feet all morning, even got some cleaning done while hubby went to the store. We put a pot of beef stew on the stove, that I ate for dinner, and it was lovely. And earlier, Hubby and I went off to Midsomer (as in Midsomer Murders). I was even lucky enough to have my youngest snuggle up with me and fall asleep in my arms.

Oh how I so appreciate the snuggles now, especially as they get bigger. Just this morning my youngest came to me, upset because she couldn't find her sister. "Mommy? Where is my sista? I need to find her. I need to give her a hug and kiss!" Sure enough, she found her and delivered.

Sweet bliss.

The anti-inflammatory medicine is indeed working. Fingers crossed that it continues to work through All Hallow's Eve next week, and that I won't need the epidural steroid shot.

And now I wish you all a good weekend, as I'm off to Bollywood for a few hours.

Trying to stay positive (Week 18)

Hitting a hard point this week. Exhausted during the day from the anti-inflammatory, yet can't sleep at night because my mind is racing. Mom is in town helping to get things done, and I'm realizing that I think I need more rest.

I'm so tired. I'm so frustrated. Today, I'm feeling pain. I'm feeling helpless and worn and lost.
An amazing care package from a Canadian love arrived today. (Thank you so much.) And it did cheer me, but right now, as I lay here, the rest of my family doing their own thing... I feel weighted down by sadness and the tears are flowing.

I want my life back. I want to lift and hold my child and not feel so blooming helpless. I want to walk outside again. I want to dance and do simple Wii activities. I want to enjoy not working. I have been trying to look into more information about herniated discs, but it's the same old, same old.

I meet with the surgeon again in November, and before that, I'm scheduled to go to the pain clinic for an epidural if the anti-inflammatory doesn't work.

I need to get refocused on the positives here: the cuddles, the snuggles, having my mom here, the gorgeous day today, the cookies and fudge that await me during tomorrow's tea...

But then again... maybe, just maybe I need to take some time and have a good cry. Sigh.

Steroids and Sleepiness (Week 16)

So, I decided to start the round of steroids yesterday after much research and careful decision. I was very worried about how my system would react, and I'm happy to report that aside from a bit of dizziness, fuzziness, and sleepiness, it appears that the treatment is working.

I really wanted to avoid taking steroids, but I want to avoid surgery more. There is a lot more I'd like to write about, but right now, I'm pretty wiped out. So, I'm going to honor myself and let myself have a good rest these next few days before I start the mega anti-inflammatory medications. (Which also might wipe me out... we will see.)

And surgeon says... (Week 15)

Yesterday was a beautiful day. I was simultaneously nervous and excited because I was finally (finally!!) meeting with the surgeon. I was prepped with questions about the surgery, and dreamed of getting answers, and the day when I'd finally be back to "normal".

Well, then.

After waiting for 2 hours, to see him for 15 minutes, imagine my surprise when he walked in, radiating calm to tell me he didn't think I needed surgery. I admit it, I was in shock. What? I was happy, because I didn't want the surgery, but then reality hit. So what do I do now?

He suggested a round of oral (not the shot of which there are current issues http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2012/10/05/162402254/meningitis-outbreak-update-list-of-hospitals-released ) steroids followed up with a heavy duty anti-inflammatory. ( Medrol Dose Pack which is an oral steroid, followed by Mobic.)

I'm on the limb about the steroids. I'm giving myself a few days to really think about if I want to do them or not. I admit it - I'm a little scared with my history of medications. Plus, I'm feeling better this week, so are they really necessary or should I just skip to the Mobic? Lots to think about, and I want to make the best decision.

Thankfully, this has been a good week back wise. I've not been in as much pain, and movement has been good.

I admit, that I was hoping for surgery, and for a "quick fix". But when a surgeon recommends against it, maybe he's right. In talking to him, he said that my herniation is a small one and that if there is a loose particle that I should still wait. He gave the impression that surgery cannot be undone, so try all my other options first.

I'm not sure how hubby feels. I know he's fed up and tired with all that he's been doing. Sometimes I think he was hoping the surgery would be the big step needed to get our lives back (I know I had thought that).

So, here we are. Another month of waiting before we meet with the surgeon again. In the meantime, looks as though we really need to make the most of it. (I've called in my mom to come for a week to help out in the meantime.)

I can say one thing. It was incredibly empowering for the surgeon to give it back to me. (I'd pretty much turned it over to him, and he handed it back.)

The journey continues...